Debate day is here! Hopefully you’re ready, having stocked up on liquor, ibuprofen, pillows to punch, perhaps one of those mouth guards people wear who grind their teeth, more liquor, and a list of people to call when it all just gets too awful. Are you playing Debate Bingo? If so, here’s a link to a bingo card that, if played, will render you completely shitfaced by about 9 PM, if not earlier.

It occurred to me, as I was wandering our local liquor store looking for a bottle of Trump Whine Riesling, that each candidate must do specific things in order to win tonight’s debate. Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have spent endless hours preparing…well…Hillary Clinton has spent endless hours preparing, while Trump has spent endless hours staring at himself in a gilded mirror, calling on the powers of darkness and combing his hair.

For Trump, getting ready seems to have primarily involved reaching out to Gennifer Flowers, only to be told by his staff “OH MY GOD HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND DON’T YOU WANT WOMEN TO VOTE FOR YOU JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

From my slightly twisted (and terrified) mind, here are the things Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump must each do to win tonight’s debate.

Hillary Clinton

*Smile more

*Apologize for Benghazi, 9/11, Beirut, Menudo (the group, not the stew), and shoulder pads

*Admit to murdering at least 4,000 people while her husband was the governor of Arkansas

*Smile more

*Rip off her pantsuit to reveal a sparkly, “Dancing With The Stars” ensemble

*Wear a pair of Sarah Palin’s stripper heels

*Smile more

*Defer to Trump at every opportunity, possibly bowing

*Apologize for her husband’s infidelity

*No coughing

*No sneezing

*No water, but she must not dehydrate

*Smile more

*Refuse to reveal any policies until Trump removes his Klan hood

*Only speak in dulcet tones, or play an Enya CD during all comments

*Use quotes from Phil Robertson, Mike Ditka, or Rep. Louie Gohmert

*Apologize for the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs

*Clarify that dinosaurs are still alive

*Smile more

*Absolutely never use facts or statistics, only use vague references and opinion, all while smiling

*Sip from a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon

*Call Trump “a magnificent specimen”


Donald Trump

*Must not remove pants and expose genitals

*Must not call Hillary Clinton the “C” word (not because of his fans, who would love that, but the FCC will fine him, and we’re not sure how much money he actually has)

*Must wear white power tie

*Must not hold anything larger than his hands (includes pens, notebooks, glass of water, pocket Bible)

*Must not French-kiss Ivanka

*Bring up the pending divorce of Brad and Angelina, blame Obama

*Remind viewers he’s the best at winning so good we’ll get tired of winning

*Call Lester Holt “colored”

Okay, well, that’s what Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump must each do to win tonight’s debate. If anyone needs me, I’ll be curled up in a fetal position under my desk, whimpering. Enjoy the debate!


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