I’m a comedian, not a conspiracy theorist, but I do know that one thing is certain: Russia’s president knew about our president’s incoming airstrike before our own Congress knew. In fact Vladimir Putin knew about the airstrikes before the American people knew. Trump didn’t make his painfully terribly read statement on the airstrike until after it had happened, hours after he’d warned the Kremlin.

But you know, nothing to see here folks. Nothing at all.

Each Tomahawk missile we launched into Syria costs about $850,000. We spent a little over $50 million…doing, what, exactly? Look, whoever is responsible for the heinous gas attack in that country this week should pay and pay dearly. But I like arresting people, if possible. This just absolutely wreaks of the tail wagging the ever-loving fuck out of the dog.

Why would we warn Putin, if we believe that all this time Putin has been propping up Assad? Won’t Putin just pick up the DickPhone (like the BatPhone, but you know, for dicks instead of for Batman?) and give Assad a buzz?

“Uh, hey Bashar, it’s me Vladdy. Just a heads-up, no big deal or anything, but Capt. Piss Party just let me know they’re going to lob some cruise missiles into your airbase. We’re getting our shit out, so you may want to as well.”

Now, I’m all for not killing people. I’m all for giving civilians in a country you’re about to bomb sufficient warning so they can leave the area. But it just seems, um, odd that we’d give warning to the guy who we know for a fact is keeping Assad in power that we’re going to be bombing Assad’s forces. Unless, of course, you think all the efforts that Putin put into helping Trump win might be paying dividends for him now?

I mean, it would be pretty perfect for Vlad if he gets to play both sides of this conflict, wouldn’t it? Isn’t it extremely beneficial for the person who is pulling the strings on all the puppets in the play? I seem to remember there being a series of (not very good) Star Wars films about a dude who helped orchestrate a massive war between two very powerful sides so that he could consolidate power for himself. So it would seem like Trump could be, perhaps unwittingly or perhaps intentionally, helping Putin achieve those ends.

We keep hearing from every Republican there’s just no evidence of collusion between Trump and Russia during the election, so it’s a big nothingburger, all of it. It’s not like Putin would want to help Trump get into power so badly he’d do so even without personal contact or collusion between the two camps, right? It’s not like there are any benefits to this relationship, even without direct collusion, right?

But you know what? I’m just being a cynical political comedian guy here, I’m sure. I bet Trump really does care now. I bet that when he saw the chemical weapons used on those Syrian kids, he really did have a change of heart. I really think he’s coming around…

Oh, but then, I see tweets like these, and…


It’s really hard not to be cynical when you put all the pieces together. Russia wanted Trump. Russia got Trump. Russia’s been propping up Assad, and just a day after Trump’s Secretary of State said that regime change isn’t on the table, chemical weapons attacks were seen. Again, I’m not anything but a dumb comedian, and I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but for a fact I know that things are playing out for Putin as well as they could. If his aim was to destabilize the region even further and play the puppet master with America and Syria, he’s off to a rip-roaring start.

Nothing to see here. Move along, folks.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.