Have you heard the term “Vagenda of Manocide,” yet? No, it’s not the name of a really terrible alt-right inspired metal band. It’s the name of the most recent wacky conspiracy theory that alt-right, anti-feminist men have come up with to try and explain why women are all uppity and shit lately. I mean, how dare they demand to be treated equally and paid the same (FOR THE SAME WORK, WHINY FUCKWITS WHO ARE ABOUT TO TELL ME THE WAGE GAP IS A MYTH)? Clearly when feminists say “equality” they mean “wipe out men and therefore the people who have the other half of the formula to continuing the species.” Or maybe these poor souls just think there really is a concerted effort to emasculate all men everywhere.
But this this whole notion of Vagendas got me to thinking — what other kinds of vagendas are there? And here’s what I came up with.
Vagenda of Monocide
What’s monocide you ask? Well, silly, monocide the act of taking away someone’s monocle. And we all know that if women hate anything, it’s 19th century corrective eye wear fashions. Who else but a bunch of libtarded feminazis would try to stamp out the noble monocle? It’s a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top, and if you don’t stay alert, you may just lose yours, old chum!
Vagenda of Manwiches
Loose meat sandwiches and vaginas. If ever there was a more suited pair, I know not of it. But what do we really know about Sloppy Joe? Why was he so sloppy? Was his real name “Joe,” or did he like to go by Joseph or Rick? The Vagenda of Manwiches seeks answers to all these burning questions.
Vagenda of Manilow
An agenda to wipe out or severely emasculate the male gender is bad enough. But when a bunch of vaginae get together in an effort to install Barry Manilow as our supreme leader? Hell no! This Vagenda of Manilow must be stopped, and it must be stopped now! Needless to say this applies to the Vagenda of Mandy as well.
Vagenda of West Side
The Vagenda of West Side is pretty simple. It states that it is the goal of all vaginae and those who possess them to go forth and preach the good word — that the West Side is in fact the best side. Some whack motherfuckers may try to rep the east coast, but vaginae are hip. They know there ain’t no party like a West Coast party because a West Coast party doesn’t ever stop being a party…or something. So watch out, men! If you come from anywhere east of the Mississippi, the Vagenda of West Side is coming for you!
Vagenda of Park ‘n’ Ride
Nothing is more sinister than a vagina with an agenda. That is of course, unless we’re talking about a vagina with an agenda that includes helping the planet. Because we all know that climate change is a government hoax perpetrated on us all in an effort to get us cleaner and water…like we need THOSE things! One vagenda in particular that should concern you all is the Vagenda of Park ‘n’ Ride, which is basically vaginas advocating for carpooling to and from work. Nefarious I tell you! NEFARIOUS.
Vagenda of Manatees
Contrary to what it might look like, the Vagenda of Manatees isn’t actually about sea animals whatsoever. In point of fact, it’s about a consortium of vaginae that seek to force all men everywhere to put on a t-shirt. Can you imagine the gall? They think our chests need covering, men! How dare they presume to have the power to tell an entire gender they have to cover up their bodies! Who would be so entitled? Who would be so sexist? The women who have a Vagenda of Manatees, that’s who.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.