Dear President-Elect Dufus And His New Buddy Robert Kennedy, Jr:

Keep in mind, sirs, that I am a clown. A comedian. I am not a scientist. But even though I got admittedly sub-par grades in my high school science classes (it turns out you have to do the work and not just ace the labs and tests to get a grade better than a “C”), I think I can understand really simple concepts like “vaccines prevent the spread of the most dangerous diseases to mankind” and “not using them is like playing Russian Roulette with our species.”

I know this because I get the basic concept of how vaccines work. I don’t see them as either magic or voodoo, but instead as a reliable, medically sound, scientifically proven way to minimize or eliminate the risk of being infected with some of the worse ailments imaginable.

Apparently, though, it’s possible to amass so much wealth  that you forget basic biology and instead choose to question it. Clearly you both are of that ilk, and your plans to have a “vaccine safety” committee are proof of your stupidity. Normally, I don’t really care when out of touch rich assholes make dumb decisions, but considering that one of you will be the most powerful man in charge of the most powerful country this planet has ever seen, color me “worried as fuck.”

Vaccines are already safe, you dumb fucks.

I know this because I’m not a member of the idle rich and so I have to listen these people who are paid big dollar amounts to do intense research into subjects they dedicated their entire education to learning about. We call them “doctors” and “medical researchers” not “trust fund babies with too much time and money on their fucking hands.” According to the World Health Organization, the administering of vaccines carries risks, but they are really low.

Most vaccine reactions are usually minor and temporary, such as a sore arm or mild fever. Serious health events are extremely rare and are carefully monitored and investigated. You are far more likely to be seriously injured by a vaccine-preventable disease than by a vaccine. (source)

I have to admit, I’m really ashamed to call myself a liberal when I hear or see liberals go down the anti-vaxx road. We harp on conservatives for being anti-science when it comes to climate change. We scoff at them for suddenly caring about science when they want to use a biological fact like conception as the point at which we give a fertilized egg a full compliment of constitutional rights. So far a lifelong liberal like Robert Kennedy, Jr. to come out as anti-vaxx makes me want to go eat my granola and smoke my hippie lettuce on a remote island somewhere far, far away from the Kennedy clan.


The irony here seems to be that the very existence of a vaccine safety committee creates a public health crisis. What you’ll end up doing is opening up the country to an outbreak of some preventable disease or another, and it’ll be the taxpayers who pay for the outbreak on both ends. You could have hundreds or thousands of ill-informed rubes — the kind who think that a 70-year-old asshole who stiffs people out of the money he owes for jobs he hires them to do will be good for the working class — choosing to hold off on vaccinating their kids because they want to see what comes of this farce of a committee you’re cooking up.

I don’t want to end this letter without specifically addressing Mr. Kennedy’s idiotic and dangerously delusional belief that autism can be triggered by vaccinations.

Kennedy has argued that vaccines, specifically those containing the element thimerosal, may cause autism, a view unsupported by scientific evidence and dismissed as a conspiracy theory by experts. (source)

It doesn’t matter what you argue, Mr. Kennedy, you’re wrong.

If you go looking for evidence that links vaccination to autism, you’re certainly going to find some sources agreeing with that conclusion. But if you go looking for peer-reviewed, credible studies? You’ll come up with bupkus. That’s because the one guy who said he had the proof turned out be a lying fraud of a fuckwit, and the reality is that there has never, ever, ever, ever been a link between vaccination and autism even remotely discovered.

But let’s just pretend there has. Let’s say, even, that there’s a 75% risk of coming down with autism after being vaccinated. For starters, that’s a bogus concept because you don’t catch autism. It’s not something you come down with like AIDS or the flu. It’s not a bug. But let’s just, for the sake of academics, pretend there is an overwhelming risk to become autistic once you get vaccinated.

So fucking what?

I have some very near and dear people in my life who are on the spectrum. I’m not here to downplay the challenges that families face when Autism is part of their lives, but are we really saying that Autism is less preferable than mass extinction? Because those are absolutely the stakes at play here. And it has always seemed misguided to the point of criminal selfishness to me that some people are so devastated by their loved one being on the spectrum that they’d risk killing off potentially hundreds of thousands — if not millions — of people because they just can’t accept that their loved one has a challenge not everyone has.

But that challenge has nothing to do with the rest of us safeguarding our children — and our species — against a catastrophic epidemic.

If you two had any decency you’d scrap plans for this committee right now. So, I look forward to seeing what amazing bullshit your committee produces, since I don’t think decency is in your DNA.



Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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