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HAMBURG, GERMANY — The first face-to-face meeting with Presidents Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin took an interesting turn this morning.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Vlad,” President Trump, according to sources in the room, told Mr. Putin, “you know, for the — wink, wink — first time and all.”
President Putin nodded, and shook Trump’s hand.
“Of course, I won the presidency in bigly fascist, excuse me, fashion,” Trump continued, “all thanks to this really tremendous thing called the Electoral College. Think of it like a participation trophy for obsolete or debunked political ideologies, but you know, except that you actually, amazingly really, win the whole kit and caboodle!”
Putin raised his right index finger to his lips, making a hushing sound.
“You’re welcome, very welcome, my little orange shit clown,” Putin said, “now let’s get down to these sanctions you guys are putting on us, da?”
Trump was undeterred. He really wanted Putin to hear about the Electoral College. The orange-tinted, tiny-handed man persisted.
“Sure, sure, Vlad, in just a sec, okay? Let me just tell you about historic my margin of – ” Trump was explaining things again to Putin when the Russian president again interrupted him.
“You telling me about your Electoral College victory,” Putin began, “is like Darth Vader telling the Emperor about the Dark Side of the Force, Donny.”
Mr. Trump nodded, saying he “totally got” the reference Putin made.
“You like Star Trek too,” Trump asked excitedly, “I do too! My favorite episode is when Starbuck fights the Dalek with Chewbacca and they realize the answer all along was 42! But really, check out this map…”
Putin’s right palm raised to his face as President Trump took a map of the 2016 Electoral College results out of his pocket. President Putin gently nudged the map away from him. He smiled as he addressed Trump one more time.
“Donny,” Putin began, “honestly, you don’t have to tell me. I know you’re used to shouting about it everywhere you go to make yourself feel more legitimate. But I’m literally the last person you have to show anything about the election last year, GET MY DRIFT?”
Trump said he didn’t get Putin’s drift, but that it was time for his lunch and nap, so they’d pick up the conversation later. On the way out of the room, Trump conspicuously dropped the map on the floor, and pretended not to hear Putin as he shouted after him to pick it up.
“I feel like a puppeteer with no hands,” Putin said, sadly.
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