My question is simple: Why would Trump need to pardon anyone, let alone himself, if they haven’t done anything wrong, like they’ve said?

In fact, the Trump White House has made denying Russian collusion a hallmark of its first six months in office. Time and time again, as some new evidence drips out of a clandestine meeting here or there, one Trump surrogate and representative after another stands in front of a TV camera and denies that anything happened. Or at least they used to deny anything happened.

Now, the refrain seems to be, “Well, even if something happened, nothing illegal happened, so quit grasping at straws.” Okay, sure, got it. No problem. You tell us first that nothing happened, then a year later and dozens of news stories to the contrary later you tell us that something happened but it’s “NBD.” No sweat, we believe you.

But then…

How come Trump wants to pardon anyone? For starters, you can’t pardon someone until they’re convicted of a crime, right? Otherwise a president could just, say, charge people a fee and then hand out lifetime, literal “Get Out of Jail Free” cards. It doesn’t work that way. The first thing that has to happen for a presidential pardon is for someone to be convicted of a crime.

So if Trump is asking about who he can pardon and how it goes, that would mean he thinks someone — or multiple people — are guilty. But the thing is, even then he still can’t just pardon them. Jared Kushner, his son Don Jr., and Paul Manafort would have to have been tried and convicted of something. Maybe it’s possible Trump doesn’t understand this though. Maybe he just doesn’t get that you can’t wave your hand and absolve anyone you want of any past, present, or future transgression.

Which brings us back to…

How come Trump wants to pardon anyone? Shouldn’t he, if he’s really innocent and everyone else around him is as well, be gleefully awaiting Bob Mueller’s investigation closing? Shouldn’t he, instead of worrying about stopping it, be welcoming all the scrutiny in the world, because he knows he’s innocent? In fact, why would Trump be so worried about Mueller that he’d make an open threat against the special counselor digging into his financial transactions, if he’s got nothing to hide.

It seems to me, if you’ve got nothing to hide, and everyone is innocent, you wouldn’t even talk about pardons until the investigations are done, trials are run, and convictions are perhaps secured. I admit, I’m a comedian and not a trained political scientist or legal scholar, so maybe someone can explain to me what the purpose of bringing up pardons would be, unless you planned on pardoning someone for something they did…which, again, we know isn’t possible since the Most Honest Administration Ever has flat out told us dozens of times there’s no “there” there. And there has to be a there for a pardon to happen.

So, again…

How come Trump wants to pardon anyone?

I mean, look, we can cut the bullshit and get down to brass tacks. We can say that even discussing his pardon powers just six months into his presidency is a huge red flag. But coupled with the fact that he’s asking about it while the subject of a criminal investigation for obstruction of justice is a four alarm fucking fire, raging right in our noses. We can acknowledge all this just makes the stench of collusion stronger, and we can say that if it were a Democrat in office with this Republican Congress, they’d be out on their asses by now.

But all that doesn’t matter, I guess, in Trump Land. In Trump Land, you talk about presidential pardons because you know it’s the only way to finally get out of the grasp of that evil mainstream, libtarded media. In Trump Land, all appearance of guilt that’s brought up by speaking of pardons so soon is just smoke and mirrors, a George Soros funded conspiracy. In Trump Land, the president can pardon himself, go find 5 million illegally cast votes, build a wall eight light years long, and bring peace to the Middle East while helping the economy grow at a rate of 6,000% a second.

Pardon me, but I think I need a drink. Or a toke. Or some fine, artisan crafted meth. Things are just too fucking weird in this country these days without them.


  1. Don’t think that it is possible for a US President to pardon himself anyway-any more than a Catholic priest could hear his own confession and absolve himself!


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