The comedy gods and goddesses rubbed their genitals approvingly on all good comedians and makers of mirth when they decided to inspire Donald Trump to write his own inaugural address.

This is a guy who can’t read from a teleprompter without sounding like a chain-smoking, coke addled moron, and he’s going to step up to the dais and deliver a speech that will be marked in history alongside the famous speeches of George Washington, Abe Lincoln, FDR, and John F. Kennedy. Yes, it’s really happening. By some trick of luck Trump’s going to write the damn thing himself.

It will be an unmitigated shit show of a speech, that much is dependably predictable. But you know, part of me kind of feels sad for Trump. He’s obviously surrounded by people who are too afraid, too stupid, or both to tell him that an idea he has might not be a good one. Like, you know, being a bumblefuckwit who has the vocabulary and verbal grace of a bag of shorted out, 1970’s era plug-in dildos and thinking you have the skills to write prose that can keep up with the most vaunted orators in our nation’s history?

Yeah, that kind of bad idea.

So I decided I’d do the walking, talking shart in an expensive suit and unconvincing hair piece a favor. I’ll write his inaugural address for him. It’s not that I consider myself the next Hemingway (though maybe given Trump’s foreign ties Tolstoy is a better comparison here) or anything, but I figure whatever I come up with for Trump to say will be better than what Trump will come up with for himself to say.

And now without any further ado, here’s the inaugural address I wrote for our 45th President of the United States of America…Donald Trump.

My Fellow Americans…well, at least the ones who voted for me. The ones who didn’t? We’ll be having Congress vote on a new law type thingy, whatever you call it when they do that, which will make any person who didn’t vote for the current president a non-citizen for the duration of the president’s term. But where was I? Oh, right.

My Fellow Americans,

I’m sorry, I just can’t get it out of my head that I didn’t win every single state. In fact, had just 80,000 votes gone differently in about three swing states, I wouldn’t be standing here today. I just have to ask you guys, “What the fuck, man?” Seriously. Why didn’t more of you vote for me? Did I not tell you guys I was a winner enough, during the campaign? Did I not speak to your personal, irrational fears of immigrants and outsiders enough? Tell me, why don’t more of you love me?!

Wait. What was I saying? Oh yeah, right.

My Fellow Americans,

I mean, goddamnit guys, I’m like, Donald Fucking Trump! I’ve been on TEE-VEE for shit’s sake. I know that a ton of you voted for me because of that, and a ton more voted for me because I’m a Republican now, and team politics means more than the stability of the country or the world to you. But how come more of you weren’t swayed by my celebrity status to vote for me? Sad. Just sad. But that’s okay, I’ll move on. I’ll get over it. Let’s just do this address thing so I can get back to misspelling my tweets, shall we?

Okay. So.

My Fellow Americans,

No, you know what? This is bullshit. I should’ve won the popular vote by at least 3 billion. I can’t understand this. All my life I’ve gotten what I wanted. And I told Steve and Kellyanne I wanted to win a unanimous, fifty state sweeping victory. Instead, I barely squeaked in because of some 240 year old anti-democracy bullshit called the Erectionary College? Bullshit. I want a recount! I demand a recount. Right now. Stop what you’re doing, all of you, and go count the votes again. Don’t come back until you have the news I want to hear.

Okay, I’m sorry. I’m losing it here, I know. Let me just wipe all that clean, and start over, one last time.

Moi sootechestvenniki amerikantsy,

Whoops! Sorry! Wrong draft of the speech.

My Fellow Americans,

We’re going to do so much good stuff. You’re going to be just blown away by how much good stuff we do. For too long, you’ve seen us not do good stuff. Well, those days are over. The days of good stuff are here. No more bad stuff. Bad stuff is bad is bad stuff, and Donald Trump only does good stuff. You mark my words. 

Okay, that felt like a pretty good inaugural address right there, I think. Covered all the important stuff, I think. Here, let me check this 3×5″ note card I have here…and, oops, I almost forgot to say my important, historical closing line. The line that will make everyone remember my speech for all times. 

Here we go.

And so I say to you, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask your country if they’re cool with you doing your daughter.

Thank you! God bless America, God bless the Republican Party, and most importantly and most of all, God bless me!

Nailed it, didn’t I?

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



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