Dear President-Elect Fuckwit,

Aww, I’m sorry Snowflake! Did you think winning the presidency would keep you from being mocked relentlessly on SNL and elsewhere? Apparently you need a safe space and a cry, because predictably, this was your response to the latest comedic drubbing you endured.

I get the feeling that you think over the next four years/however long it takes for your greed and hubris to catch up with you, that you can just bitch and grouse, and your faithful Trumpolytes will mob anyone who dares to make fun of you, silencing your critics with mob rule. While that may be the tactic you employ, let me be crystal clear: It won’t work, and you’ll succeed in silencing your antagonists the same way you succeeded in selling great tasting steaks and bottled water.

The more we find out about the Carrier deal personally benefiting you, the more we learn that the call with Taiwan’s president wasn’t just a goof and probably a more deliberate and calculating business decision, the more I’m convinced you will absolutely do something that is impeachable. You are nothing but a conman in a carnival barker’s costume and we comedians are really, really fucking good at sniffing out phonies.

In 1920, this country elected a Republican, Warren G. Harding, as president. Harding had been a newspaper publisher — you know, a businessman — before he was a U.S. Senator. He surrounded himself with the Ohio Gang, a group of industrialists from Harding’s home state. When Harding transferred control of oil fields to the Interior department, one of his cronies started illegally leasing the land to businessmen, essentially taking bribes for the leases. Teapot Dome was one of the biggest corruption scandals in our country’s history. You, President-Elect Diarrhea Bucket, will most assuredly give us your own version of Teapot Dome.

Teapot Dumb.

This is why you are being mocked. We can see your corruption and selfish interests from a mile away in a cab coming up to 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Anyone with even a soupcon of an observant nature can tell you just wanted to run for fame and attention and are now in way over your skis. You invite the scorn and mocking of people all over this country because you’re not acting like presidents do; you’re acting like D-List Reality-TV attention whores do…which makes sense considering that’s what you’ve been for the last decade.

SNL has been making fun of presidents since the moment they went on air. They’ve skewered literally every single person who has been elected since they debuted. During the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky years they enjoyed huge ratings at the Clintons’ expense. They are as unbiased as you can get because the only biases that comedians have are to laughs. I’m as far left as you can get and I’ll mock the shit out of Obama winning a Nobel Peace Prize and then being the most drone happy president to date.

Laughs are laughs, President-Elect Jabber-Jaw, and you are like a one man walking giggle factory.

Comedy will flourish because you give us new material every damn day with every damn tweet. You cannot and will not silence us all. You may want to outlaw satire with the wave of your mighty pen in your tiny little hands, but you can’t. The Constitution, and the people who believe in its freedoms, are too strong for you to handle, and the popular vote tally that your opponent keeps adding to, by the way, shows you just how outnumbered you are.

The irony is that you’re a clown yourself, President-Elect Shitty Hair. It’s just that you’re the guy who goes to the open mic and has everyone laughing…at how terrible they are. You’re an unwitting comedian, writing new jokes for us every time you get angry and pull out your phone to tweet some hilariously stupid thing, or retweet a high schooler — which was the whole point of the latest SNL skit that got your knickers* in a twist. If you think the mocking and roasting will stop once you place your diminutive hand on that bible and take the oath of office, you’re as high as we’re all going to need to be to get through the next four years.

Not to get too academic and pretentious in my dialogue here, but, fuck you dude.

You were a joke in popular culture for literally decades before you snookered a bunch of angry, white people into believing you’re the last great hope for true American liberty. You were relegated to catchphrases on shitty reality-TV because otherwise you’d just morphed into a senior citizen cum conman. You literally just had to settle a fraud case against your alleged university a week or two ago, and you couldn’t even keep casinos running. You’re as good a businessman as you are a politician, in other words, and unless and until you shut the fuck up and go away, it’s only going to get more embarrassing for you.

Comedy is noble. Comedy is pure. Comedy is one of the last barriers against fascism and authoritarian bumblefuckery. You brought this on yourself. Did you ever read the replies to your inane tweets before you ran? You are incessantly mocked and tormented there, and have been since your minuscule digits started slapping away in 140-character shitposts.

You’re in for hell, and I am more than willing to be your goddamned Huckleberry, President-Elect Dingleberry.

Hail To The Thief,

Jambo Schlarmbo

*I said “knickers,” Donald. Don’t start thinking I’m one of you now.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



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