This satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –When NASA scientists teamed-up with European scientists to announce that they’d made a truly groundbreaking discovery of a solar system with at least seven Earth-like planets in it, aides close to Co-President Donald Trump say he was initially excited, but that panic and worry soon set in.
“Sure, new planets are great and all,” Trump reportedly told staffers according those willing to speak on condition of anonymity and beef jerky, “but I like this planet most because I know for a fact it revolves around me. I don’t know if these ones do.”
Trump then told those in earshot that about fifteen years ago he paid a man 2.3 million dollars to conduct several experiments. Those experiments were aimed at proving that Trump is the center of the universe, and that everything in it revolves around him. Trump was extremely pleased when the man he hired came back and told him, by some great miracle, that indeed the entire known universe revolved around him.
“Mommy always told me it was so,” Trump reportedly said, “but I never knew if I could believe her. Not that my mother ever lied about anything. She was a perfect saint. But the point is, I needed to know. But these new planets…I don’t know that I like ’em. You know how it is when something new comes into your life like a new pair of shoes, or a refugee, whatever. You have to extremely vet them.”
So, Co-President Trump got on the phone to “the head NASA nerds” as he told his secretary, and he ordered a full battery of tests from them.
“I need to know for cock-and-balls sure,” Trump told NASA, “that these new planets are going to revolve around me too. I need to make sure of that. Do not fail me, planet nerds. Do not enrage me, Co-President Bannon, or actual President Putin on this one. It’s bigly important.”
While he had them on the line, Trump also decided to task NASA with a few things he’d been meaning to call them about.
“The moon’s cheese content,” Trump said, “I need to know what it is, and how we go about harvesting it. Next — I’ve been told my whole life then boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and girls go to Mars to get more candy bars. I need to know if that’s true. It seems like we should do something about losing all our good young men to Jupiter’s stupider-fication program, don’t you think?”
A spokesperson from NASA said that they aren’t “entirely sure that the president understands anything even remotely related to science” but that they’d probably end up doing what Trump asked of them because “that’s how our government works.” This is a developing story.
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