By now it’s no big secret that Donald Trump, our current president, is a fucking idiot.

We knew this before the election, and since then he’s done everything in his power to prove his stupidity. Keeping Mike Flynn on for a month after being told he was highly compromised by the Russians is just the tip of the derpy iceberg in Trump’s first month as commander in chief. But one of the most embarrassingly stupid things Trump has done — and continues to do with no sign of stopping — is insisting on claiming millions of illegal votes were cast, costing him the popular vote.

Even while taking questions with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu, Trump just had to bring up his Electoral College margin of victory. He just had to try to legitimize his win, now weeks after being sworn in and months after the election. He truly doth protest too much about that popular vote, doth he not?

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Let’s just say it for the quadrillionth time, shall we? THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF MILLIONS OF ILLEGAL VOTES BEING CAST. PERIOD. But let’s just for the sake of argument pretend that as a species we haven’t already debunked his insane conspiracy theory. I can actually use his own stupid argument against him and show why it’s such an idiotic theory to begin with.

At the heart of his claim is Trump’s hatred of the fact that he lost the popular vote. We know from several sources close to him that Trump’s ego is more important to him than anything. It’s why he hates jokes about his tiny hands, shriveled dick, ugly and photogenic face, and how badly he actually lost the election. Make no mistake, without some very fortuitously distributed votes (less than 100,000 out of tens of millions cast), he wouldn’t even be in the position to be bragging about his participation trophy — excuse me, Electoral College win.

Trump hates that he lost the popular vote so much that he’s going to spend his entire presidency trying to legitimize it by claiming he actually won. But the hilarious thing to me is that he and his team are so intellectually lazy, they can’t even be bothered to work out just what it is they’re implying. Once you break it all down, it becomes painfully self-evident how little water this massive voter fraud theory of Trump’s really holds.

To summarize, Trump essentially believes this:

  1. Democrats conspired to keep Trump from winning both the popular vote and the Electoral College vote.
  2. Democrats figured out exactly how many illegal votes they’d need to beat Trump, and that number was 3 million.
  3. Democrats hired or encouraged 3 million people to vote illegally for Hillary Clinton.
  4. Democrats were so convinced they’d win in the swing states that instead of putting the illegal voters there, Democrats had all the illegal votes cast in California and states that she was already going to win handily.

How patently stupid is this theory? Trump truly wants us to believe that only the Republicans knew it’s Electoral College votes and not popular votes that ultimately decide the election. It’s like they really believe that when we call the Electoral College stupid, dumb, an anti-democratic that we don’t also understand that’s how we elect presidents. Of course we get it. Most of us spent eight years electing Barack Obama twice, and he won the popular vote handily both times. We get how the Electoral College works, thanks.

Trump’s theory also completely ignores a very simple fact, one that I cannot believe more real reporters haven’t brought up — he didn’t win any of his states unanimously. So, no, Hillary’s popular vote lead didn’t all come from California. It came from all over the country. Like from the population centers in swing states that still voted blue. Again, the notion that Democrats would look to only pad their lead in states they’d won handily while forfeiting states they absolutely needed to win is so ridiculous it doesn’t need an argument against it.

I’d also like to ask Trumpers how they think Democrats magically came up with the right number of illegal votes they needed to make it look like they won. You notice they always point to the three million illegal votes in California, which again there is no evidence of in the firs place? What a ridiculous leap to make. I get that Republicans think of liberals as people who practice Sharia Voodoo and gay marry all our aborted fetuses in deference to the all-powerful Dark Lord and all, but no one could ever calculate such a thing, with so many Election Day variables in play like who actually turns out, who waits in line, and who sends in mail-in ballots.

Let’s also just talk about how dumb it is that people would think the DNC could pull of such a massive, coordinated effort. They couldn’t keep Russian hackers out of their emails, and people want us to think they could collude to throw an entire election with just three million illegal votes? What an insanely stupid theory.

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All Trump would have to do to put this whole thing to bed is admit he won the election but lost the popular vote. George W. Bush did not spend four years litigating his first victory. He took the win, thanked the Supreme Court for making him president, and then moved on with life. Dubya knew that he’d only keep reminding people of his unpopularity by harping on it, but somehow Trump isn’t that smart.

George W. Bush has already proven himself smarter than Donald Trump. Just let the fucking sink in for a minute. When you’re ready, we’ll wrap this up.

So the bottom line is pretty simple. Trump lost the popular vote. End of discussion. He lost by about three million votes to Hillary, but about 10-13 million when you add up all his opponents. There is no logical reason to believe, nor proof to show, that the Democrats would have any incentive to load up popular votes in states they could very reasonably assume they were going to win. What happened last year is complicated, and so trying to explain it with a simple-minded conspiracy theory is only going to serve one purpose, and one purpose only.

It will remind everyone why so many people didn’t vote for you in the first place.


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