This story was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump experienced a brief moment of confusion when leading a local graduating kindergarten class in the Pledge of Allegiance.
In a harrowing 95 minute ordeal, Mr. Trump stumbled on the phrase “indivisible, with liberty and justice for all,” and ended up giving a rambling, mostly incoherent soliloquy on various topics ranging from “the fake news press’ obsession with Melanie’s whereabouts while we found the Melanie-alike” to his “historic, truly epic” Electoral College victory that ranked as the 13th smallest margin of victory of all time. Eyewitnesses say Mr. Trump kept trying to restart the pledge, but would stammer at about the same place each time, and then would spend upwards of fifteen minutes at a time ranting and gesticulating, occasionally mocking the press with stereotypical, effeminate and developmentally disabled voices.
“And to the Republic, for which it stands, One Nation, UNDER GOD! We can say that now, you know,” Trump said at one point, looking a six year old dead in the eyes. “Some previous, shall we call them, black administrations, literally made it illegal to say that phrase. Can you believe that? That’s one of the first of my MANY, MANY accomplishments in the first 500 days of my presidency, if you can believe it, which you may not because the lying fake news press is hiding it from you like the cunts they are.”
The room of kindergartners gasped in unison with their parents, the faculty, and administration of the school. Even the Sceret Service detail could be heard audibly swallowing and a couple of agents could be seen facepalming.
“Invinci-visible, wait that’s not it, right? I always get so tongue-tied, don’t I ‘Vanky,” Trump asked his daughter Ivanka, who was actually not in the room at the time. “She knows what I mean, don’t you, Sweet Tits? Okay okay okay. Let’s get to this, or the fake news will have a field day covering this and they won’t even mention the thing we’re touting as a major accomplishment because it riles up the base but it’s either an absolutely banal, minor administrative task that every president pulls off without any issues, or it’s most often actually a horrific thing we’re doing that most of the country hates.”
Since he entered the 2016 presidential race, Mr. Trump has sought to establish himself firmly on the right side of the American political spectrum when it comes to issues like nationalism and patriotism. Trump has been a frequent, outspoken critic of NFL players who protest police brutality against people of color by kneeling during the National Anthem. Trump has made a concerted effort to tie kneeling or protesting during the anthem to anti-American, unpatriotic sentiments.
“Hang on kids, hang on, Ol’ Big Orange Daddy will get the words right sooner or later,” Trump said as he tried to get through the pledge. “Because clearly no one loves America like I do, right kids?”