This story was first published on Alternative Facts.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump issued an executive order today that placed a steep 1488% tariff on free speech, with very few carve outs and exceptions.
“Folks, I wish I didn’t have to sign this presidential decree but, well, I do, because the NFL refuses to just tell their uppity urban nig — excuse me, players — to do as I want them to do,” Trump said as he swiped the regular sized crayon that looked gigantic in his hands across the page. “So I have to put a very high price on free speech now, to you know, teach them a lesson. Daddy always told me you gotta keep the Darkies in line with a little demonstration of force sometimes, so here we are.”
The order pertains to free speech that displayed before, during, or after the National Anthem is played before NFL games and other sporting events. Because the order pertains to the time periods before and after the anthem, critics of this move say that it will create a de facto, blanket rule of forced patriotism and nationalism which aligns more with autocratic despots than democratically elected heads of state. Trump scoffed at this implication when asked about it in the Oval Office, after the signing.
“Free speech? I mean, really? Free? What are we Commies now,” Trump asked. “I think not. No commies here. This is America. We pay for our goods and services here. Or at least you guys do. Everyone knows a Trump never pays his debts.”
Trump cited the fact that in the last few weeks, three of his highest profile administration officials have been harassed and protested while out in public over the White House administration policy.
“Stephen Miller simply did Nazi the protests coming, and poor Kirstjen! It’s not her fault I asked her to be the pretty mouthpiece of a draconian policy,” Trump said. “Why did all those HATERS and libtarded Americans have to pick on her. And I’m sorry, but I can’t force Sarah Huckabee to keep eating all her meals at her home trough! Every pig needs a little walkabout time!”
The president did seem keen to dismiss or debunk some criticism of his new policy, however. Those who believe he is doing this to satiate the more racist elements of his base, and to punish people simply for disagreeing with him, Trump said, are “meowing up the wrong bush.”
“Look, we have a budget deficit we have to consider,” Trump said. “And sure, someone could point out that we took Previous Black Guy’s deficit, which was hella shrinking, and then blew it up bigger than my real waistline measurement, but you’d be insulting your God Emperor President King, and we know you don’t want to go about doing that now, do you?”
Reached for comment, retiring Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he was “shocked, outraged, but mostly not going to do anything” about this order.
“Hey man, I love free speech as much as anyone, but I love using the specter of debt to convince Americans to give up their freedom more,” Ryan said while casually curling a 50-pound barbell. “So, I gotta side with the president on this one, but I’m going do so with, like, a super-duper furrowed brow and a pretty convincing look of doubt on my face, trust me, fam.”