Late last night, the Donald J. Trump campaign accidentally leaked a copy draft of what could ultimately become his first State of the Union address. The draft was attached to an email that was only meant for internal purposes, but a “Global World Media” list was also added to the recipients distribution for the email, and thousands of media outlets were sent a copy of the speech. We have decided to print it, in its entirety, below.
My felon Americans, it is my yooge privilege to speak to you tonight as your commandant in chef. I know I have only been in office a few short weeks, but I already have so much news to report.
Firstly, the wall is done! Well, the wall between Canada and the U.S. that the Canadian government put up to try and stem the tide of immigrants pouring over the border beginning Election Night last year is done. The wall that I friggin’ promised you mooks last year between us and Mexico is still being negotiated. I sent a bill to Mexico, addressed to “Whatever the Mexican Version of President Is” for $78.5 billion dollars for the purposes of building our “anti-rapist, anti-drug dealer, anti-murderer” wall.
The Mexican government simply sent us back a picture of a massive middle finger. But don’t friggin’ worry. I’m a yooge winner. I’ll win them. I’ll win them so hard their little heads spin. This is how friggin’ negotiations go. But I have a team, oh do I have a team. The best team. And Secretary of State/Chief Justice Sarah Palin already has such a great rapport with Mexico since she could see it from her southern-facing garden up in Alaska. So I have every confidence she’ll friggin’ get those Mexicans to play by our rules.
Next, Secretary of Race War David Duke says that our nationwide voter ID laws are already being implemented quite well. In case you forgot, the new ID is very simple. If you’re white and a Republican, you get to vote. Otherwise, we ID you as an un-American who is not letting us make America great again and you are immediately sent to one of our yoogely luxurious Trumpcentration Camps. There you will be re-educated on how to live life in a post-apocalyptic, Trump is your President world. It’s friggin’ awesome, let me tell you.
We should prolly talk about the one-tonne elephant in the room. Yes, I accidentally authorized a nuclear strike on Washington State, and I am very sorry for that. But you know, you friggin’ simps could just look at it from my perspective. And that perspective is, I’m not now — and I never will be — wrong. It was an oopsie. Sort of like the four oopsies that lead to me filing Chapter 11 for my failed businesses. Also, look at this way — once the fallout clears, we will be able to go fishing for genetically mutated salmon, and the Emerald City of Seattle will literally be glowing green for the rest of our lives, so, I guess what I’m trying to say is, “You’re welcome.”
Now, I know a lot of people were worried when we started our “Free tattoos for Muslims” program that it would just be freeloading Muslims getting tattoos on the taxpayers’ dime. But I’m really friggin’ proud to tell you what a yooge success this program has been. We now can account for at least 28% of the Muslim community in America, and by year’s end we’re hoping we’ll have rounded-up and branded — excuse me, incentivized and then tattooed — at least another 35% of them.
Ugh, how much fucking longer do I have to do this, again? I’ve already talked about the most important shit anyway. Umm, you know, just fill in the blanks. But before I go, I want to address something of vital national security importance — my cheap shit.
Let me just talk about the most important issue in America today — you all buying my cheap shit that I slap my name on. I figured, “What better time to tell the American people about my merchandise than when they’re all watching me on TV?” So here are some Trump Steaks, some Trump Water to wash those steaks down with, and then here’s my newest product. The Trump Dildo, aptly named because it’s large enough to fuck all America with, but small enough to make you have to overcompensate for it in everything you do.