Back in February, President Donald Trump showed the world why so many millions of Americans voted for him, and not Crooked Killary Clintstoned, the baby killing, hit list writin’, globalist shill war monger. How’d he do this? By telling the rest of the country, and indeed the world, what his supporters know deep down in their super-patriotic hearts.

Donald Trump is a goddamned hero. And as the country’s, and indeed the entire world’s premier hero, Trump proclaimed what we already knew to be true in the first place, if we paid attention to this true American demigod’s words. You see, back in February, Trump was speaking about the horrific Valentine’s Day massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. It was at that very sensitive time that we found out that armed law enforcement agents at the scene of the shooting didn’t engage with the shooter. Trump made sure to tell the whole world what he’d have done if he were in that same situation.

Speaking to a meeting of the country’s governors at the White House, Mr. Trump conceded that “you don’t know until you test it.” But he said he believed he would have exhibited bravery “even if I didn’t have a weapon, and I think most of the people in this room would have done that, too.” (The Failing New York Times)


I’m shocked, therefore, that Trump hasn’t gone running into Austin himself, unarmed, to stop the bomber. He could just go from house to house, and shout, “YOU’RE FIRED!” at everyone, until they give up and come out with their hands up! He’s such a true-blue American hero, it’s sort of surprising that he hasn’t fueled up Air Force One and air dropped into Texas, ready to kick ass and eat two scoops of ice cream.

It’s even more surprising that it took him so long to even acknowledge the bombings. But here we are, a couple of weeks into this harrowing ordeal, and Trump literally just moments ago spoke about the bombings for the first time publicly. So strange, that Capt. Commando Pants would take this long to speak to such an assault on American freedom, isn’t it? Here’s Pol Pot Belly talking about the “sick people” terrorizing Austin.

But, seriously, why isn’t Trump doing more than just talking? Why isn’t he gallivanting down to Austin as we speak? Hell, he could take a page out of his favorite pedophile Roy Moore’s book and ride into town on horseback. That would get him an even larger of the gun toting, wish-it-was-still-1842 crowd that is his base! A literal cowboy move, right out of the movies.

So, why isn’t he going in, unarmed, and knocking on every single door?

“Yes, hello, I’m President Trump. You know, the guy who won like the 28th largest Electoral College victory, just barely? Yeah, that’s me. Anyway, are you, like the Austin bomber? Because I will totally beat you up, arrest you, and take you down, all with my tiny, bare hands, if you are.”

It would be a scene for the ages! People would hail him as the best president ever. Not since Washington personally put down the Shays rebellion on his own horse has this country seen that kind of heroic act from its Commander in Chief. He’d go down in history, and this time for something actually worthy of pride.

So…why isn’t he down there, knuckles bared, ready to fight the Austin bomber mano a mano?

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I think, if I can venture just a simple guess, I know why he’s not down there. Ready? I hope you can keep up.

Because Donald Trump is a cowardly, ignorant old dumb shit who wouldn’t know the definition of bravery if you handed him a dictionary. Not only would he never rush into a building to stop a gunman, he wouldn’t rush into a Denny’s to stop a pancake from getting thrown in the trash. Donald Trump is the bone spurs of presidents. He’s a wimp, like a lot of bullies. Tough on the outside, but a giant, piss-filled pool of cowardice on the inside.

Fuck Donald Trump, basically.


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