By now, you’ve all seen that Donald Trump likes his steaks in truly the most horrifying way — well done, and with motherfucking ketchup. I can barely, barely tolerate people burning their steaks to shoe leather consistency because I know some people really are scared of under-cooked beef. Okay. Cool. Fine. But with a gun to my head and the condition of my survival being putting goddamned ketchup on my steak, I’d tell the gunman that I couldn’t live my life knowing I’d committed such a heinous act and to put me out of my misery right now.
But did you know that burnt steaks with a side of ketchup aren’t the only food Trump eats in the most disgusting way possible? It’s true! Check it out.
#5. Pizza With A Fork And Knife
Now, most of the items on this list may or may not be total fabrications of a crazy comedian. But, not this one. Don actually eats his pizza like an idiot, fork and knife in hand. Former “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart was the first to point out that Trump eats pizza like a terrorist would. A fork and knife, Donny? That’s disgusting. It’d be one thing if we were talking Chicago deep dish style. But regular pizza should be eaten with your hands like a human. You should be ashamed of yourself. That is, if shame even remotely registered in your world.
#4. Cold French Fries
My wife can attest to one thing: I don’t think there’s anything on the planet nearly as disgusting as eating a cold french fry. The texture is gross. The flavor is farts mixed with dirt. And the whole point of a french fry is for it to be nice, hot, and crisp. Being a Cold Fry is literally the worst thing you can be, if you ask me, and I have no doubt that Trump is the coldest Cold Fry of them all.
#3. Stale Potato Chips
They’re limp. Lifeless. Devoid of any redeeming qualities. But yet you can’t bring yourself to throw them out for some odd reason, and you’re sure that’ll come back to haunt you somehow. And they’re racist as fuck. Oh wait, I was describing the Trump family. But you can pretty much apply all that to stale potato chips and figure out why Trump might like stuffing his fat face full of them.
#2. Butter. Just Butter.
I know, it’s hard to tell by looking at him, but Donald Trump is in tremendous shape. Really, and truly tremendous shape. He does that by maintaining a strict regimen of eating whatever the fuck he wants and driving through 18 holes of golf every weekend. So would it really surprise anyone out there to find out he stuffs butter by the stick into his cat’s asshole of a mouth, two at a time, every night? Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe this is vicious fake news, like say, insinuating the first black president was from Africa only because one of his parents was? Who knows. Fuck Donald Trump though, that much I know for certain.
#1. Literally Everything He Eats
Just…just look at that disgusting face. It doesn’t matter if he’s putting the most delicate, beautiful culinary delights in there. He’s just always going to look like Jabba grabbing another frog from the bowl, stuffing it down his gullet, and belching with delight. Let’s face it, with a mug like that, Trump could make just about anything seem hideous and disgusting. Just ask his two ex-wives and future third one. Hi-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.