It couldn’t have happened to a more pluperfect douchebag than Senator Ted Cruz (R-DouchebagLand). As it turns out, according to this piece, below, from Vox’s Ezra Klein, if Cruz had managed to be less of a douchebag, his wildest wet dreams would be coming true right now and he’d probably be staring down the finishing line of the Republican Primary with the nomination in tow.
Instead, because he was such a right royal shitburger to everyone he came into contact with, his own party refused to get behind him and chose instead a bitter, orange, racist cyanide capsule over him. I know it’s hard everyone, but please try and contain your baleful moaning over Ted Cruz’s shattered hopes and dreams to a few hundred decibels, would you? I know we’re all just broken up about it, but it’s true, Senator Cruz was such a dick to so many people that he deep-sixed his chances before he even announced his failed candidacy.
One of the best parts of the story is that he’s so reviled by his colleagues, that some actually went on the public record to slag him off. Usually senators don’t shit on other senators if they’re in the same party, but Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) decided “fuck all that” and she told The New Yorker under no uncertain terms why she decided the bomb-throwing moron from New York was preferable to the slimy, landmine placing douche canoe from Texas/Canada/The Seventh Ring of Hell.
In short, he chose to be an asshole to everyone from the start instead of being a team player.
“With Ted, I’ve seen over and over again his playing to outside groups rather than trying to work with his colleagues,” [Collins] told [The New Yorker] on May 6th. (source)
The best part is that she even admits that she’s breaking normal senatorial decorum to bag on Cruz a bit.
“Those are words I probably should not say, since he’s going to come back and be one of my colleagues.” She said, “But I think, because I know Ted Cruz, and I don’t know and have never met Donald Trump, that with Donald Trump I hope he can minimize his weaknesses, change his approach, knock off the gratuitous personal insults, and draw on his strengths.” (source)
Collins knows that Ted Cruz is an irrecoverable piece of human detritus that would be a holy terror in the White House. Now, I happen to think that Collins is nuts for supporting Trump instead of just saying she’d vote for the libertarian or even Hillary Clinton, but each person is allowed to support whatever racist, xenphobic dickhead they want. But it’s tremendously hilarious to me that such a prideful, boasting, dirty-handed ass biter like Cruz would take such a punch to ego’s gut; he deserves it for being so self-satisfied and smug.
To be fair to the troglodyte, it does seem possible that he’d have beaten the walking, talking shart in a suit that Trump is based on the “merits” of his political views had he just not shat where he ate since coming to D.C. So that should probably also tell you just how disgusting Republicans are these days. They’d ordinarily line up behind a Christian dominionist who truly believes his religion gives him authority to rule over us all, if only he’d just kissed their rings a bit more.
And let’s also not pretend the Democrats are just as cliquey as the Republicans are. It’s just that for now, we’re staring proof of Ted Cruz’s AIDS-like personality costing him a big opportunity, so we can get to how the DNC has behaved this primary cycle another time. For now, let’s just all hold hands and bask in the glow that is Ted Cruz’s very public shame at the hands of people who are ostensibly on his team, but that would trade him for a ham sandwich and a reach around.
There’s a lot that’s wrong in this country, so it’s nice to know that Ted Cruz’s clear and present douchetasticness is still enough to cost him a presidential nomination, isn’t it?