I’ve noticed something over the last few years that I’ve been doing this whole “political comedy and commentary” thing/nightmare that keeps me awake at night if I don’t knock myself out chemically…and what I’ve noticed is that Republicans are some extremely conflicted individuals.

Take for instance, they’re literally outrageous and incredible ability to lay claim to Martin Luther King’s legacy while defending aspects of the Confederacy. I’m sure a political scientist could make some high-minded, philosophical defense of this particular paradoxical nexus of their views. Me? I’m a clowny clown, and I really have only one thing come to mind about it.

What. a. crock. of. fucking. shit.

Can anyone really imagine Nathan Bedford Forrest and Martin Luther King hanging out at the same political convention? Does anyone really think MLK would be cool with being associated in any way with an American who believed he should still be kept as property? Apparently, a shit ton of Republicans sure can imagine all that and a bag of white nationalism.

The way I see it, them meeting up somewhere, at a Republican meet and greet perhaps, would go down in one of two ways.

Scenario 1

NBF: Hi, I’m Nathan Bedford Forrest. I literally left our country to legally murder my fellow Americans so that people with your skin tone could be owned like so much Captain Crunch Crunch Berry Cereal.  Wanna go chill at a bar and talk about how much we have in common, you know, politics-wise?



Scenario 2

MLK: Hi, I’m Martin Luther King, Jr. I was murdered by a racist white southerner who felt I was a threat to society because I had this silly notion that freedom and liberty and equality should be belong to all Americans, no matter their skin tone. Do you want to go a meeting a church with me to discuss non-violent ways to protest police brutality against African-Americans?

NBF: WTF? I’m a big, dumb racist piece of shit that started the KKK!

I really do genuinely think that’s about how that conversation would go. I mean, maybe Forrest wouldn’t add that little remark at the end there, but also, fuck him. He was a big, dumb racist piece of shit and started the KKK, so fuck him. Any Republicans that are able to claim rights to King’s legacy and, really weirdly, his posthumous allegiance while also totally and unironically defending the Confederacy  like the crotch of Chris Christie’s short pants defend the world from seeing the most horrific camel toe this side of the New Jersey Turnpike really do genuinely scare the (Russian whore) piss out of me. That’s a level of self-unaware intentional ignorance that seems pathological to me, but being a comedian and not a psychologist I could be, and probably am, wrong about that.

Imagine being the Party of Lincoln and defending confederate flags and monuments.

Now the Party of Lincoln does everything it can to make it harder for black people to vote, and to consolidate and actualize their political party. We live in the Upside Down more and more each day, it feels like. Luckily strains of medical marijuana are getting more and more potent as the need to disconnect further and further from reality grows and grows.

Wait. What? Anyway…

I grew up as a Republican. While I’m not in the party any more, and can’t really see my self ever going back to it, there is no way the GOP I was in would be so brazen about allying with confederate sympathizers. The GOP I grew up in had a mainstream view that you should be allowed to fly your stupid flag on your private property all you want, but no state owned land or building should fly it because it’s such a gross insult to Lincoln’s sacrifice, but way more importantly, a sadistic trolling of the African-American community.

In my days as a Republican I heard plenty of talk about how while slavery caused the war, the economic reality of North vs. South played a hand, as did the idea of federalism and what that meant for the relationship between the states and the big papa government. But in the end, we still learned that slavery was the fuel that burned in the Civil War’s engine.

Now though? I see people on the right like Andrew Napolitano spewing history revisionist bullshit right out of the confederacy’s rhetoric. The “Tyranny” of Lincoln. Meaningless talking points about slavery being on its way out naturally. All of this meant to help racist confederate sympathizers alive today feel welcome on America’s right, and I don’t know if it’s more sickening or ironic and stupid.

To put a bow on this lunacy — they just elected Donald Trump. The man who tweets videos made by dudes who make virulently racist, homophobic, and xenophobic content as if it’s comical, and not just shockingly tone deaf and stupid. Actual, real-life, out and proud white nationalists, former KKK grand wizards, and modern day American Nazis endorse and back him. And yes, they all still belong to the Party of Lincoln.

Republicans should change their nickname to The Grand Old Lynching Party at this point.


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