BEAVER FALLS, IDAHO — Preston Gilliam is 3-years-old and a self described “right-wing, pro-liberty, anti-statism libertarian,” just like his father Paul. Preston is already a member of the National Rifle Association because when he was born, his father went right out and did two things — bought his son his first semi-automatic rifle and a lifetime membership in the NRA. “College is something a kid only needs if they want to have a career where book learnin’ is key,” Paul told us of his gifts, “but every kid will need a high-powered rifle and membership in an organization dedicated to every man, woman, child, and fetus owning one too.”
Hearing that Congressional Democrats had staged a Senate filibuster and a House floor sit-in to push for votes on gun control measures, it incensed young Preston. But when he found out that Congressional Democrats had introduced legislation in both the House and Senate this week to curb children’s access to guns, he was so angry he had to speak out.
“How can those widdle socialists dictatoos do dis to we law abiding, ammo hoarding American citizens,” Preston asked between sips on a cup of apple juice. “They’re up there,” he pressed on, “telling people that if we can keep a kid from opening an aspirin bottle, we can keep them from getting a gun, but I ask you this — who the hell are Democrats to say I shouldn’t have a gun?”
“It’s bad enough Democrats keep implying that 3-year-olds shouldn’t have the same liberty to take a pill as we can,” Paul said, “but to tell my kid, to break his heart at such a young age by saying he shouldn’t handle deadly weaponry just because of some libtarded view of guns? That seems just straight-up disconstitutional! And I know my Constitution; I keep it here in my britches.” He showed our reporter a pocket-sized copy of the Constitution.
Paul and Preston told our interviewer that they have already sent two strongly worded letters — one in crayon, and the other an email — to President Obama personally demanding he resign but also that he “permanently scold and punish” Congressional Democrats for their actions the last fiew days. If he doesn’t, they say their next step is to petition their Senator, and then finally the NRA because as Paul put it, “they’re one of the few institutions in America that politicians listen to.” Preston said he thinks since he decided to use a navy blue crayon that Obama will get how serious he was because as the father said, “Nothing says you mean business like scrawling a screed in Crayola.”
“Here’s the fing,” Preston said as the interview was closing up so he could take a nap, “I just want that Sha-wee-ah loving Muslin and all his Democrap buddies to show me where in the Constitution it says the Second Amendment only applies to adults. It doesn’t, and as a Constitutional owiginist, I beweev in society only being governed by the rules and practices of the 19th cent-too-wee. If Obama doesn’t want to live like that, he should go back to Kenya so America can get back to a time 200 years before I was borned! God Bwess America!”
Reached for comment, one White House aide told the press that they did in fact received Preston’s letter and they actually had no idea it came from a toddler.
“Because it was pretty much on par intellectually with what we receive from Republican adults all day every day,” the aide said.
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