The Bachmann Diaries: I Am An Official Trump Advisor!

Dear Diary,
Donald Trump, who is obviously a genius, appointed me as his lead foreign policy advisor. Well, not lead yet, but once I show the next president how much I know about the world, he will promote me immediately. I am thrilled, of course, because as a former member of Congress, and an expert on Muslim terrorists (they’re EVERYWHERE!), and the only person who tried to go to Cuba and dismantle those nuclear weapons aimed at Miami, and the only congressperson who recognized how dangerous it is to have an embassy in Iran, it will be a hoot helping President Trump deal with all things foreign.
Donald Trump is so much better for white America than Crooked Hillary. Crooked Hillary wants to keep letting babies get slaughtered, she refuses to embrace bombing terrorist’s families, including their children, because we have to stop the young ones from growing up into terrorists, she wants to keep giving our money to lazy black poor people, she won’t build a wall to keep the Mexicans from taking our jobs, she’s a FemiNazi, and she’s married to Bill Clinton, a man who makes my nether regions tingle one of the worst presidents in all of history.
Our next president came to Minnesota a few days ago, and boy, what a great time! Other than the protestors outside the convention center (Mexicans. Yuck. Except for Florita, my manicurist. She’s delightful. Although I think she might have stolen a pair of my lynx-kitten slippers) screaming about something or other, we all had a wonderful evening. Future President Trump looked so handsome in his white baseball hat…that actually bothers me a bit. Gentlemen are required to remove their hats when indoors, but he wears that darn thing everywhere. Is he going to wear it to his inauguration? To briefings? To state dinners? Does he wear it to bed? Note to self: Ask Melania.

I am already part of Donald’s Evangelical Board. We haven’t really done much, just tried to teach Donald important Bible chapters, like Leviticus, and some New Testament, just not the parts of the New Testament liberals misinterpret as Jesus loving refugees and poor people. I know Jesus said to love the poor, but poor people back then were normal. They worked the fields, or built cabinets; they didn’t mooch off the government, and use food stamps to buy cars. If Jesus had been forced to deal with OUR poor people, He probably would have told them to stop being lazy, and get a job.
We have to win in November. If we don’t, I really think Donald is right: the election was rigged. The majority of Americans support Donald Trump, no matter what liberal polls say. And angry Bernie Sanders supporters are pledging to vote for Donald in droves! Which proves the conservative attacks on her and Bill for over 30 years have finally paid off! There is no way Crooked Hillary is becoming president.
Diary, I know most everything said about her is a lie, but here’s the neat thing about American voters: they don’t care. As long as you can convince them that a lie is true, they will do whatever you want them to do. Like ignore all the neo-Nazis and white supremacists who support Donald Trump, or how he probably wrote that letter he says his doctor wrote, or how he was sued by the Justice Department for refusing to rent to black people, or all the awful things he’s said about women, or how he really does encourage violence, racism, ignorance, and paranoia. His supporters will overlook all of that, as long as conservatives (and those far-left-loons, as Bill O’Reilly calls them) keep piling on the misinformation about Crooked Hillary, and Donald keeps sounding a little like Hitler, but not enough to really make Jews mad.
Diary, thank Holy God these entries are private! I would get fired really fast if The Donald read what I just wrote!
Well, Marcus and I are off on a shopping trip. Obviously, since I am going to be one of the future president’s key advisors, I need a new wardrobe. I would shop at Neiman’s, but given that Sarah Palin used to shop there, I’d rather not. That woman. SHE’S not a Trump advisor. I’m just saying.
Love, President Trump’s Lead Foreign Policy Advisor, Michele. xoxoxoxoxo

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