GOLDEN MEADOW, NEW YORK — Campaigning in upstate New York this week, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was bombarded with questions over a leaked Amazon Wish List that allegedly belongs to Senator Cruz.
An Amazon Wish List is a group of items sold on the online retail giant’s website that someone either wants to buy later, or is hoping someone else will buy for them. The list in question was leaked onto a subreddit Saturday night, but wasn’t noticed until two days later when an independent media website found it and posted the list in its entirety. The list raised many eyebrows for its content, considering that Cruz is currently fighting off tabloid rumors published in the National Enquirer last week detailing lurid affairs with more than one woman who was not his wife.
“There is a perfectly good explanation for all 322 items on my Amazon Wish list,” Cruz told reporters at a press conference, “and I will go through all 322 now, detailing for you the reason that they are there. I hope this will put to bed any questions one might have about my wandering dick.”
Below are excerpts from the wish list, as well as Senator Cruz’s remarks regarding said items.
This 36 count box of prophylactics was on Cruz’s list not once, not twice, but sixty-seven separate times. Cruz offered the following explanation for this item, and for its appearance more than 5 dozen times on the wish list.
Those condoms are on my wish list because I believe in always carrying protection. That’s why I’m always packing heat, and I don’t mean a gun. Hi-oooo! Just kidding. I mean a gun. Of course I mean a gun. I made a campaign video where I cooked bacon on the muzzle of a semi-automatic rifle for God’s sake.
These condoms are on the list so that I can pull them out and show them to people who attend my rallies, as a prop. Because we all know that liberals want to give condoms like candy to nine year olds and teach them how to fuck. So I have a need for thousands and thousands of condoms in order for me to be able to give the fine folks I meet a good, visual demonstration of the kinds of vile things liberals want for our children…like knowledge about how to effectively safeguard against STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
Retailing for $17.99, this ball gag certainly seems to indicate some kind of sexual fascination with punishment and humiliation. But what did Cruz have to say about it?
It is true, I really want a ball gag, and it is true that I want it for sexual reasons. But I am not having affairs! My wife wants me to buy one of these. Anyone who has been around me for ten minutes and heard me speak for less than three will completely understand. Frankly, I’m surprised she fucks me now without one of these.
One of the more benign items on this list, many were expecting Cruz to tell reporters he plans to buy a pet goldfish for his family. Instead, the answer was a little different.
Oh, I just want to use that bowl to put people’s keys in. You know, when they come over and hang out and have a few beers. I just want them to put their keys in the bowl first, is all. Nothing more to it than that, I promise. Just asking people to but their keys in the bowl…for later. No biggie.
A book of sexual positions that sells for $12.76, unless you’re an Amazon Prime member, in which case it would be free. So how could Cruz possibly explain this entry on his wish list?
How can I possibly fuck over America in new and inventive ways as your commander in chief without learning some new positions to fuck in? This is really just me doing my part to stay informed, don’t you see?
Widely panned as one of the worst movies of all time, “Showgirls” making an appearance on Cruz’s list certainly would make some take pause. But, according to the Texas Republican, there was yet another perfectly reasonable explanation for it.
Look, it’s already been discovered that I wanted to produce “teen tit” movies when I was in college. So of course I’d have one of the films with the highest ratio of tit to no-tit ratio, wouldn’t I? Also, why wouldn’t someone who’d be the worst president of all time not love the worst movie of all time? It’d be the same if a piece of shit loved a fart for being stinky, you see.