There are many names you could call Ted Cruz with complete accuracy: Evangelical, Dominionist, Conservative Extremist, Demagogue, and the list goes on. But one thing you cannot call him, at least not if accuracy means anything to you whatsoever, is a Christian.

Now, I admit that it’s been a long time since I was what someone would call a Christian myself, but I spent many years in pews and in Sunday School. And while I was there, I was learning about a radical dude who dared to tell a world obsessed with commerce and willing to ignore the flotsam and jetsam of society that slip between the cracks that they were doing it all wrong. That guy — who called himself Jesus Christ — would not recognize a single thing Ted Cruz stands for.

Matthew 24:45 really should be all the proof I need that Ted’s not a Christian, but for those of you that aren’t familiar with the Bible enough to know what that verse is, here you go:

He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ (source)

Basically, this verse is Jesus telling people, “Hey, you treat people like garbage, you treat me, God, like garbage.” Now, I’m not a theist, and I damn sure don’t actually believe Christ was the literal son of God anymore, but there is no simpler way to describe the core tenet of Christianity — doing unto others as you’d have done to yourself.

Now, let’s see if Teddy matches up to this standard.

The Least of These Need to Pay More Taxes Than Those Who Can Afford to Pay More Taxes

Ted Cruz is a champion of Reaganomics if ever there was one. Reagan aligned our economy in such a way as to put heavy influence on the supply side of the Supply and Demand Curve. Basically, the argument was when you keep the investor class flush with cash, they’ll have so much of it, they’ll need to stuff it back into the economy. Except, they didn’t do that, they just stashed it overseas and circulated it among the finance class and nothing has trickled down.

Jesus spoke of it being easier to thread the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven on his riches alone. Cruz seems to almost worship money, which if my memory serves, is also a big no-no for the Big Made-Up Guy in the Sky.

The Least of These Don’t Need Healthcare, For They Cannot Pay For It

Of all the Christian hypocrisy that Ted Cruz puts on display, his disdain for providing health care to the poor is the most jarring and readily apparent. Why? Because Jesus Christ healed the sick, for fuck’s sake, that’s why. So how in the world Republicans of any stripe, but especially those that espouse Christian values can somehow square their faith with their rigid defense of profit margins is beyond my ability to understand.

I always wonder if Republicans would have preferred that Jesus run a credit check on the lepers he reportedly cured, or if he should have asked who the blind man’s insurance carrier was before he gave him sight. Sure, I don’t believe any of that hocus pocus alamgocus shit actually happened, but if it did, it kinda flies in the face of Cruz’s biggest bugaboo — Obamacare. He pitched such a huge hissy fit over Obamacare in 2013 that he convinced House Republicans to shut down the entire government because he couldn’t de-fund it. Leaving me wanting to ask Teddy a simple question.

Who would Jesus deny healing to?

The Least of You Should Be Deported For Trying to Make a Better Life for Yourself

Just this week, Cruz told Bill O’Reilly that he would completely support an attempt to deport the estimated 11 million undocumented people living in this country. Forgetting for a moment how unbelievably pie-in-the-sky bullshit fantasy world that idea is, and how expensive a notion it is for a so-called fiscal conservative to put forward, it’s once again just another stunning example of his anti-Christian behavior despite heavy Christian rhetoric.

I cannot for the life of me imagine someone like Jesus being okay with armed police officers breaking up families because of imaginary lines on a map, especially since his whole origin story contains that “no room at the inn” part. Make no mistake, deporting that many people will be the world’s most nightmarish clusterfuck and parents will be separated from their children if they were born here, proving once again how very rarely conservatives actually fully think through their harsh rhetoric to its natural conclusion.


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