RIDGE CREST, IOWA — “What we have discovered on Mars is not just water,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), 2016 Republican presidential hopeful, winner of the 2016 Iowa Republican caucus, and chairman of the Senate Special Committee on Space Exploration and Scientific Research, told reporters at a campaign stop in New Hampshire, “it’s proof that anyone who choose to go Jupiter simply doesn’t possess a high intellectual acumen.” Cruz said that while traditionally people have been given the option of going to Mars or Jupiter in grade school, scientists were never able to confirm what the outcome of such choice would be. “We could merely speculate that there were candy bars on Mars and that going to Jupiter would only decrease your intelligence,” Cruz said, “but now there really cannot be any denying the facts.”

Cruz said that when NASA confirmed the presence of flowing water on the surface of Mars last year he was elated because “finally the world would see that traditional gender roles are what God, an in fact the Universe, wanted.” The Texas Republican told reporters he was “ecstatic to present to you evidence that men should be in the work force, working and making money” while women should “remain in the home with their slightly intellectually inferior brains and cook and clean and make babies.”

“We all know the rules, laid out before any of us were born, and we all followed them growing up. Boys went to Mars to get candy bars, and women went to Jupiter, and up until this point we could only speculate what they’d get; now we now. Girls go to Jupiter, and they do indeed get stupider,” Cruz said to the press. He added that since NASA has confirmed that Mars has water in addition to the candy bars that boys traditionally traveled there to procure that “only a woman would go to another planet and not go to one with water on it.”

Senator Cruz says that when he was tapped to be “the guy pulling NASA’s purse strings” that he was at first tempted to shut down the program altogether. “I thought to myself,” Cruz said, “why should I let the government keep spending money on silly stuff like researching the universe around us when space flight isn’t even mentioned in the Bible — the book that the Constitution was copied almost verbatim from.” But, says Cruz, he is “pleased as punch” that he held off on that decision, as now he has “evidence that traditionalism and being old fashioned is the God intended it to be, and the science now completely backs that up.”

“The bottom line I suppose, is that if this administration is going to keep spending the American people’s hard earned taxes — the taxes I of course don’t pocket directly into my checking account — on frivolous things like science and space exploration,” Cruz told the media, “at least the science we spend the money on could be used to study the important, pressing issues of our day, and nothing is more important than establishing that indeed boys might go to Mars for water now, but that girls will always go to Jupter to get more stupider.”

This story has been re-posted from The Political Garbage Chute.


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