Yesterday morning on Twitter, Sub-President Trump tweeted out something so satirical sounding I had to check and make sure I didn’t write it myself.

I’m pretty sure at this point it’s safe to say that Donald Trump has the maturity of a nine year old, spoiled, rich little asshole. I cannot imagine any other president, either Democrat or Republican (or Whig, Know Nothing, etc) that would imply any poll that goes his way is accurate, while anything that goes against him is fake.

Just so we’re clear, Trump is literally saying, “If shows me in a good way, it’s real, if not it’s fake.” Please ponder for a moment what Republicans would say if President Obama had told them that any opinion poll that shows displeasure with something he was doing was false. Imagine if he essentially told the country that anyone he disagrees with doesn’t count and is a fake American.

And now, check out these other four things that Sub-President Trump calls “fake.”

#4. The Law of Gravity

First of all, as president, literally no laws apply to him. Seriously, that’s what Trump thinks. When he made his big announcement with all those empty folders on the table about how he was going to leave the operations of his companies, he made sure to tell everyone that the president really couldn’t have conflicts of interest. And it’s becoming clear that he doesn’t think any law, even gravity, applies to him. Which must be why he tries to get so many shitty ideas of his to float.

#3. The Moon Landing

Donald wasn’t there. How can Donald really be sure it happened? Sure, he’s president now and can probably order up some cool historical NASA shit to the White House, like a moon rock or something, but why? He already is fully aware that back when the moon landing happened, it was only mainstream, libtarded news networks covering it. Ergo: FAKE NEWS.

#2.  Real California Cheese

For starters — he lost California. So Sub-President Trump isn’t going to recognize the legitimacy of Californian cheese to begin with. Just because it’s known as “Real California Cheese,” that doesn’t mean it’s real to Donny. And besides, Wisconsin went all shit-house stupid and did vote for him last year, so in Trump’s brain now, cheese only comes from Wisconsin. French cheese is bullshit, Danish cheese is really bullshit, and California cheese should get the Golden State thrown out of the union.

#1. His Presidency

Oh wait, sorry. He just wishes his presidency were fake. At least that’s what his longtime friend Howard Stern — who did not support Trump during the election by the way — seemed to imply recently. The King of All Media said on his show that he thinks Trump just wants to be “loved” and that secretly he wants Hillary Clinton to be president and that’s why he’s pushing all the voter fraud stuff, trying to get his own presidency disqualified. I don’t about all of that, but clearly Trump himself knows he’s grossly and dangerously unqualified and unprepared for this job, because his defensive, bullying, and sometimes outright incoherent and babbling tweets all show he’s starting to crack under the pressure.

But hey, you know, “emails” and “Benghazi” or whatever, right, guys?

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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