Guys, I was just remembering something super funny and cool and totally constitutional that happened under President Barack Obama.

Remember that time when Barack Obama used the State Department’s websites to promote his business? Remember how that business happened to be the luxury hotel and resort that Obama himself owned? Remember how that same resort was where he spent over 80% of his weekends? Remember how Obama would host foreign leaders there, and discuss sensitive issues out in the open, where everyone can take their picture and slap it on Facebook?

Boy I sure do remember when Obama did that.

I remember that the Republicans in Congress were all, like, “Wow! That’s such a great idea, Mr. President Obama sir! You’re totally abusing your authority to line your pockets, and that’s wrong, and a direct sign of corruption, but who cares? It’s just so friggin’ cool that you’re flouting ethics rules like this, Mr. President Obama, sir! Now can we please talk about how much we love Obamacare, since it’s a right-wing think thank’s brainchild anyway? Awesome! You weren’t born in Kenya, and you’re not trying to take us down from within!”

Gosh, I remember it like it was yesterday. Barack Obama put his Chicago-area resort, “Mosque-a-Land-o-Lakes,” up on the State Department website with a glowing, full history of it for all to read. It was very clearly an advertisement for his property, and while many people thought Republicans would freak out, they slapped him on the back and offered to give him “forever head” for such a bold, decisive, pro-business move.

“This is the greatest idea any president has had since Teapot Dome,” a beaming Mitch McConnell told the press, “and I can’t wait to confirm this guy’s next Supreme Court pick if someone on the bench currently dies, because for starters, that’s totally his right as the president. For seconders he was elected twice so clearly the American people want him to make the pick, and finally, because I’m totally not a wet-eyed, turtle-faced racist fuck, I swear!”

Then came all the plaudits and lauding of Obama from people like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Bill “I’ll Kill My Career Live!” O’Reilly. They all couldn’t wait to line up and offer him effusive praise for such a thing. Sure, they’d railed against the government “picking winners and losers” before, but this is different because “reasons” and also they liked it. There was never any skepticism about it from anyone in the right-wing media parade.

Universally it’s come to be known as “The Coolest and Least Corrupt Thing Obama Ever Did.” It’ll be taught in history books. Students will marvel at how Barack Obama was able to use the presidency like a personal ATM, plumping up business after business relationship with sweet, sweet emoluments. After all, if you want fresh breath, you need to take as many emoluments as possible right?

So let us all raise a glass. Let’s toast the time that President Barack HUSSEIN Obama pimped out his luxury resort to the American people using taxpayer resources. Nothing is cooler than free publicity. And when the publicity is paid for in part by people who didn’t vote for you? C’est magnifique!

Editor’s Note: The author of this piece is color blind and just woke up from a coma.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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