The Republican Party and the Democratic Party are not “exactly the same” as some libertarian-minded folks might have us believe. I mean, one party is against women controlling their own vaginae, LGBTQ people being treated like humans, and is pretty much turning into the white nationalist party thanks to Donald Trump. The other party doesn’t push those things (anymore) but they do sure as hell drag their feet on kicking out the corrosive and corrupting influence of corporate cash on our government.

And they are very nakedly trying to steer voters toward their preferred candidate, instead of the guy that is consistently winning blue states — you know, the states they have to win in order to keep the White House?

The two parties aren’t the same, but they both suck and don’t serve the people, at all. You’re going to howl and scream at me for this and my “give a fuck” meter is full, so have at. But there is no denying that the reason why Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are so appealing to voters is that they share one thing in common — they represent a real loathing and mistrust Americans have for the major political parties. And I know for a fact that if Trump were to win it all that it would completely destroy the Republicans, and honestly if the Democrats fuck this election up, it would destroy them too.

…and I almost wish I could go along with that, because there is no denying that voting for Hillary Clinton — while a tremendously better alternative than voting for Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, or Marco — is just a vote for at least another four years of the most apathetic governing bodies we have had in what feels like an epoch. So I’d really, truly, rather not vote for her. But the Republicans had to put up a guy that we can’t tell whose fascistic rhetoric is unclear in its sincerity, an evangelical Dominionist who will shove every group that isn’t white, christian and conservative under his boot heel and back into the closet, and a robotic, neoconservative neophyte that’s every bit the religious kook as the Dominionist is.

I just want to see the two parties in this country brought to an understanding that they can’t dictate to the people who they elect. It’s sort of, um, counter-intuitive to the whole “self-governance” thing. As a comedian, the prospect of four years of Trump gives me a boner so hard I am literally typing this piece with ittttttt right nowwwwww.

But I can’t really be okay with a fucking pseudo-proto-neo-Nazi asshole (or even one who plays one on TV) becoming our president. For one thing, there are too many family tree branches that rather conspicuously are pruned in early 20th century Europe for me to even remotely be dismissive of Trump supporters’ behavior. It’s not that I fear Trump so much. We have a three branch government with checks and balances for a reason. I would genuinely hope that if Trump orders something insanely barbaric and unconstitutional that he’d be impeached immediately, but it’s his ravenous pack of slack-jawed moronic followers that scare me.

They’d be the assholes killing people in the streets if he was impeached.

The really hilarious part to me is that the Republican Party has spent eight years demagoguing Obama as some hardcore, anti-American asshole who encourages divisiveness and hostility among the people, and yet here is a guy who is encouraging assaults and violence at his goddamned campaign rallies and none of the GOP power elite have the balls to just kick him off the ticket and out of the party’s nomination process, and the worst part is that they lack spine for cynical reasons.

I truly do not know if Trump is trolling everyone or not, and that’s what makes him so fucking dangerous. I really wish this was a garden variety presidential election without a guy who’s acting a little too Hitler-ish for my comfort. Because I live in a state where I could do the “Bernie or Bust” thing but not this year because that mentality could fuck America over so badly we end up with Trump. It’s probably time to move away from the Clinton dynasty like we’ve moved away from the Bush one, but unless Bernie wins he nomination, I can’t in good conscience sit out this election, even in a state where no matter who the Dem is they’ll win by a landslide.

It figures; the one chance America has to bring the GOP and Democratic Party to their knees and do a little reformation, America’s dumbest citizens have to fall in love with a B-grade celebrity that threatens to fuck up nearly everything. But hey, why am I nervous? It’s not like we’ve elected someone like that before, right? Right?

Ronald Reagan: B-grade celebrity, President of the United States of America


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