This totally and completely, unabashedly satirical news item first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning at a press conference Attorney General Jeff Sessions made an announcements in regards to Department of Justice policies and rhetoric toward drug enforcement. Just days after intimating that he is leaning toward issuing guidance to the courts that would allow for much harsher penalties for low-level drug offenders, Sessions told reporters he wants to make marijuana “toxic” to states to have legalized its use by bringing back rhetoric about the drug that hasn’t been used in decades.

“It ain’t just enough to rollback the drug war sentencing guidelines,” Sessions told reporters, “we gotta rollback our drug war rhetoric all the way to the beginning, people!”

RELATED: Attorney General Sessions Agrees to Update His Anti-Marijuana Rhetoric Four Decades to the 1970s

Sessions indicated to reporters that he believes stereotyping and racially charged insinuations and rhetoric will be “an absolute key” to his approach on drug policies.

“We must get back to where Americans understand only the worst people on the planet smoke pot,” Sessions said, “and that those people are largely Mexicans and urbans. We need to get this country to where pot is just the Wetback and Negro drug again, and intend to get us there.”

When marijuana was first outlawed in the 1930’s, government officials pushing for the Marijuana Stamp Act used highly racist rhetoric and painted cannabis as a drug only used be ravenous, crazed Hispanic and black people. Sessions says he feels “right at home in 1930’s American drug rhetoric, and he aims to keep it there.” Mr. Sessions is convinced, he said, that a return to both 1930’s and 1980’s rhetoric will “win the drug war once and for all.”

“Does anyone not remember how Just Say No worked,” Sessions asked rhetorically, “because it was really very simple. We told our kids to Just Say No to drugs, and magically all drug use stopped. The 1980’s were a period of absolutely no drug use, and the only thing that deserves credit is Just Say No, period.”

Attorney General Sessions admitted that his reputation in certain circles might be tainted, given that he lied under oath about his contacts with the Russian government when he was a surrogate for the Trump campaign.

“I may have lied under oath to Congress, you see,” Sessions conceded, “but I reckon that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to ignore the data and imply that harsh punishments deter drug use for low-level offenders. And it don’t mean I can’t imply that only the Mexicans and coloreds — excuse me, African Coloreds — smoke the Demon Weed.”

RELATED: 5 Reasons Marijuana Laws Totally Make Sense

Ultimately, Sessions says the issue of marijuana legalization is “so simple” even his “very simple, Keebler cookie baking mind” can understand it.

“Look, folks, all this simple country klansman and attorney is saying is that life was better when it was just the negros and Mexicans smoking weed,” the attorney general said, continuing, “We could arrest them and move them from the plantations to the penitentiaries. Remember that, America? Remember how great life was in America when we could pretend it’s just the coloreds and wetbacks — pardon me, Hispanic Wetbacks —  smoking pot? Man was that great.”

Reporters asked Sessions if he intends to issue guidance stiffening penalties for people who abuse prescription pills or if he’ll also target Wall Streeters who are known to use cocaine and other drugs quite frequently.

“Oh, no,” Sessions said quickly, “that’s different. They’re white. They deserve the benefit of the doubt. You understand.”

Then Mr. Sessions donned a red and yellow striped klan hood and ran off down the hall, clicking his heels and insisting no one was going to get his Lucky Charms, pot of gold, or E.L. Fudge cookie recipe.


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