Because they are usually an epic shit show of tantrums, huffing, puffing, and outright lies, I’ve taken to watching every single press briefing that the Trump administration puts, on and I’ve come to one clear, unavoidable conclusion: Sean Spicer is fucking horrible at his job.
For starters, he’s someone whose job literally entails having to read, out loud, from a piece of paper, and by all visual appearances, dude can’t read. Spicer pronounces words in ways that people with mouths full of marble would find unintelligible. He is smug, arrogant, pushy, and defensive while the job description calls for someone who can coolly answer questions and walk the press — and therefore the American People — blithely through the machinations of a presidential administration’s daily activities. It’s, undoubtedly, a high-stakes, high-pressure job that should be done by someone who possesses at least a modicum of calm, at least a soupcon of charm.
He’s so cantankerous, so volatile, that SNL actually spoofs him. Most press secretaries are affable people, but boring. Certainly not worth spending millions of dollars a TV season making up one of Hollywood’s A-List celebrities to look like him so they can mock Spicy in all his angry, spluttering glory. And, just now, I watched him hurriedly end a press briefing after telling an adult woman reporter she had to stop shaking her head at his obviously bullshit answer, which means he is truly and utterly a coward occupying a job meant for someone with some guts and intestinal fortitude.
No, really, Spicer actually had the balls to tell an adult woman she couldn’t shake her head at him. Watch.
Here's Sean Spicer telling April Ryan not to shake her head. pic.twitter.com/ojHnkt7MVW
— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) March 28, 2017
Just before that, you could see Spicer start to fly off the rails when he invoked Russian salad dressing when answering a question about the investigations into his boss’s administration having several key figured tied to Russia. In fact, it was that line of questioning at ultimately put Sean over the top and forced him to bolt on the briefing in a huff. If you ask me, April Ryan deserves a medal of honor today.
Spicer starts talking about Russia and salad dressing when asked about Trump's alleged connection to Russia. pic.twitter.com/ti2Cqj2Cms
— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) March 28, 2017
I honestly don’t know anyone who is worse at their job than Spicer is. Spicer makes Dennis Eckersley’s performance in Game 1 of the 1988 World Series look like the best work of his career (Go Dodgers!). Spicer makes Sarah Palin look competent and he makes a coked-up ant freebasing meth seem calm, cool, and collected. Sean Spicer is so bad at his job that he makes the Ford Pinto look like a solid investment in reliability and non-combustible automobiles.
Really, seriously, Sean Spicer is the worst Press Secretary in the history of the position, and that includes Pete “Stinky Shits” McGee, who was only Ronald Reagan’s press secretary for five minutes because he kept literally taking a shit on the floor of the White House. I’m kidding. That guy doesn’t exist, but Shitty Sean Spicer exists, and he’s really, truly, fucking horrible at his job.
A press secretary is supposed to be so good at his job that it leaves reporters with fewer questions, not more. Spicer doesn’t quell any fears. He doesn’t put any rumors to rest. Because he’s so obvious when he’s making up utter bullshit to cover his orange, stupid boss’s own lies, he only ends up creating more cleanup work for himself the next day. Watching Spicer try to deftly pack away any controversy is like watching someone with the drunk heaves trying to clean up their bathroom floor.
It’s one of the dumbest things a political commentator or comedian can do to try and predict what will happen. Political stuff moves really quickly, and there’s so much messaging and counter-messaging that it takes time for the truth to shake out. So maybe in the end, Spicer, Trump, and the whole gang will be cleared of any wrongdoing. But it won’t be because of how deftly or adroitly Spicer navigated the free press, it’ll be in spite of it.
Clearly Sean thinks the whole world is a Breitbart readership. Otherwise, I can’t figure out what gives him such hubris. Sure, he’s a shriveled dick’s length away from the most powerful man in the free world’s friend Donald Trump, but Spicer suffers from the same disease everyone in the Trump team does — Popular Vote Amnesia. Sean and Don can pretend all they want that losing the popular vote by such a wide margin is meaningless, but they know they’re wrong. All the stutter-stops in the Muslim ban and repealing Obamacare came because so many pissed off Americans raised hell. That doesn’t happen if the president truly has support for his agenda, and a mandate to carry it out.
It’s been a shit show from the first press briefing where he came out in a comically over-sized suit and berated the media for reporting the facts — Trump’s crowd size was much smaller than either of Obama’s had been. Check it out:
Oh wait, sorry. That’s Melissa McCarthy being Sean Spicer. Still, you’ll get just as much actual substance from that sketch as you will any Spicer briefing, so I’m going to leave it.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.