Despite being scheduled for a year and a half, the regrets have started pouring in to the Republican National Convention RSVP office this week at an alarming rate. GOP leaders have had to hire additional workers to handle the influx of mail, and there was an unfortunate incident with Cliff the Postman and a pinched nerve in his back.
The convention, which is slated for July 18-21, will be held in Cleveland, Ohio, the home of Superman and potato chips.
Former presidents, presidential nominees, senators, delegates, governors, and corporate sponsors have had sudden scheduling conflicts arise that have made attending damn near impossible.
We here at Modern Liberals were able to obtain an exclusive list of some of the excuses given so far for inability to attend.
- I have a call scheduled at 2am with Jake from State Farm.
- My great-great grandmother was Latino, so I think that disqualifies me on the basis of you’re a racist.
- The doctor strongly recommended I get a colonoscopy at the age of fifty, and I’m 48…and a half.
- I have to help my sister-in-law and her family pack up their house for when the jack-booted thugs come to round them up in the middle of the night.
- No habla inglés.
- I’m voting for Gary Johnson now…and I’m not legally allowed to drive after eating those brownies.
- I have my Arabic as a Second Language Course so I can learn translate Joel Osteen’s daily inspirational Tweet Quotes for the Islamic community.
- My Vulcan-American and my Sokovian-American are coming over that weekend for our Annual Minority Monopoly Championship Weekend.
- Star Trek: Beyond is coming out July 22, and my wife and I have a tradition involving cosplay, candles, and a phaser set on stun.
- Our family won free tickets to go see The Ark Encounter; we’d rather do that.
- I lost my original birth certificate, and I don’t know much about it, but it’s fishy.
- What do you mean I said I was going to come? No I didn’t. I never said that.
- I’m desperately trying to wash that man right outta my hair.
- WE DON’T WANNA GO! YOU CAN’T MAKE US!
- The CEO has volunteered to testify that week before a blatantly biased Congressional Investigative Committee about his email practices, sexual relationships, stock trades, real estate deals, household employee taxes, and his failure to prevent the downfall of Middle Eastern dictatorships.
- Frankly, my dears, we just don’t give a damn anymore.
Chairman Reince Priebus was unable to be reached for comment. Several sources report he and Speaker Paul Ryan were last seen trying to drown themselves in transgender-friendly toilets at the local Target store.