WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) is at this hour telling the media he is “very concerned” about the Labor Department’s February 2016 jobs report because he says it shows President Barack Obama (Socialist-Kenya) is waging a “communist assault on the economy by making it show signs of capitalist growth.”

The Labor Department’s report for February not only showed strong private sector jobs growth, which Ryan called “suspiciously not-socialist,” but also revised the two previous months’ jobs creation numbers upward as well. Though the unemployment rate held steady at 4.9%, which was almost 8% when Obama took office in January of 2009, but Speaker Ryan says that Americans should not get too excited about that either.

“Where exactly is the unemployment number going,” Ryan asked incredulously, “it’s disappearing and no one can tell me where the hell those other percentage points have gone.” Ryan said the missing unemployment percentage was so concerning to him he was going to ask for help from a fellow Republican congressman to track them down.

“Trey Gowdy has agreed quite graciously to add the investigation of where the missing unemployment numbers have gone into his hearings on Benghazi,” Speaker Ryan told reporters outside a Shaky’s Pizza in the downtown D.C. area, “and quite frankly we think Ambassador Stevens would have wanted to know what happened to the missing unemployment numbers as well.”

Ryan, who has been drafted by a SuperPAC this week to run for president in an effort to stop the runaway momentum of Donald J. Trump, issued a stern warning to the president.

“If President Obama thinks he can use socialism to weaken our capitalist economy by strengthening it,” Ryan said, “he’s got another thing coming. He’s a lame duck now. He needs to just sit back and enjoy the obstruction. If we don’t stop him in his tracks now, the unemployment rate might be less than 5% next month too, and then what happens if it’s like that the rest of his presidency? We cannot have the American people even remotely thinking Democrats can manage the economy. We will stop Obama’s communist assault on our economy by way of improving it right here and right now.”


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