This very clearly satirical piece first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.


CEDAR PINES, TENNESSEE — If there is one thing that Trump supporter Josephine Almonds understands, it’s that government control of healthcare is such a dangerous, un-American proposition. That belief, Almonds says makes her very happy that the Trump administration’s replacement for the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare as it’s more popularly referred to, could end up making her unable to get insurance because Josephine says as long as she gets to “stick it to the libtards,” she doesn’t mind not being able to see a doctor or get medicine.

“I have a pre-existing condition,” Almonds told us in an interview, “or at least I will under the AHCA. Apparently being sexually assaulted is an allowable pre-existing condition for insurance carriers to deny coverage over in Trump’s law, and technically since my husband is also my first cousin, that might constitute some kind of sex crime. But the bottom line to me is that if I get to stick to the libtards, I can put up with being sicker than ever.”

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When she found out that House Republicans believed they had enough votes to get the American Healthcare Act passed, Josephine says she “jumped for joy.”

“For eight years I’ve had to come up with excuse after excuse as to why I wasn’t applying for the federal aid and getting health insurance through the federal exchange,” Almonds told us, “but now, thank God, I can just rely on my pre-existing condition because you know my red state governor is gonna let carriers opt-out of that. I will gladly die of a preventable disease if it means keeping socialism from taking over America.” Using the health insurance finder website is great for comparing different health insurances to find the right one for you and your family.

As to the millions of poor, sick, and elderly people who be impacted by the gutting of Medicare, something President Trump promised he would not do during last year’s campaign, Almonds shrugs indifferently.

“Promises are meant to be broken,” Almonds said, “unless you’re a Democrat and then I’m going to harangue and rake you over the coals for it. Like your doctor, keep your doctor much? But to me, if a few poors or olds have to die in order to protect us from the dangers of socialized medicine like over thirty other industrialized countries have, then that’s how it has to be.”

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Almonds believes that a faith in Jesus Christ is also guiding  Republican lawmakers to do “God’s work” and repeal Obamacare and replace it with something that will boot millions of people off their insurance.

“I believe it was during the Sermon on the Mount,” Almonds said, “when Christ said, ‘Fuck the poor. They’re gonna die one day anyway.’ And if he didn’t, that’s not my fault. I don’t have to be a cuck just because Jesus was one.”

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