A couple weeks ago, details of President Trump’s budget were released. This highly-anticipated first budget proposal shocked a lot of people who apparently weren’t paying attention during the election, because it pretty much guts everything that’s meant to help working class people and gives some extra bloat to the Department of Defense, and slashes taxes on the wealthy quite a bit.

To say that people are worried would be an understatement. Trump’s budget takes a hacksaw to the federal government, completely eliminating large swaths of it, entire agencies being deemed a waste or redundant. One group that will be hit extremely hard will America’s poor. Trump’s budget slashes programs for the poor with glee, including one that helps subsidize heat during the winter.

You would think, then, that Christians — people whose religious teachings expressly instruct them to take care of the poor above all others — would be livid about the budget, and they are…if they’re not Republicans. The Religious Right, on the other hand, loves it. But why? Well, here are the four best reasons I could come up with, anyway.

#4. Jesus Was Being Way Too Libtarded About Healing The Sick

Look, maybe in the Bible it doesn’t talk about Jesus asking for co-pays. Maybe in the telling of his life story it doesn’t talk about him making sure the sick person he heals can pay for him the going rate first. But that’s because, let’s be honest, Jesus could be kind of a libtard sometimes. Good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing patriots know they’re supposed to cherry pick the parts of the Bible and Christianity they like and ignore the stuff they don’t…like they do with the Constitution.

#3. Jesus Was Always Telling Christians That Poor People Don’t Need To Be Warm

It’s in the back somewhere, I think. Near the index. But I for sure remember learning in Sunday School that Jesus would often sit Christians down and tell them that sometimes, you just had to be a dick to poor people. I believe it was the Sermon on the Mount when he said, “Blessed are they who are poor, for they do not need warmth and can be ignored like the mooching takers they are.” If not, then I remember reading it somewhere in an Ayn Rand novel, and a lot of modern Christians treat her books like gospel, so…

#2. The Only Schooling You Need Is Done On Sundays

Everything I ever needed to know I did NOT learn in kindergarten. I learned it in Sunday School. I don’t need to know algebra; the Lord will provide everything for me. I do need to know how to read, but as long as I read the Bible and only the Bible, there’s literally nothing else I need to know. Oh, hey, unrelated question, but, I can use the Bible to look up how to treat cancer and fly to the moon, right? Right?

#1. It’s Not Like Their Savior’s Origin Story Is Literally An Allegory For Taking Care Of Those With Nowhere Else To Go

You know why the Religious Right loves Trump so much? He’s willing to ask Congress for money to spend on the things Jesus himself would love. Like, you know, a massive concrete racist monument that won’t really stop determined people from coming into the country anyway. And besides, we all know that the guy whose literal birth story includes details about his mother and father not having anywhere else to go and being turned away from places that could easily accommodate them would just love the idea of telling Syrian refugees from a country we’re bombing they can’t come in either. That’s very Christian, isn’t it, to bomb the hell out of a place and then keep the innocent people there under your thumb, being blasted on all sides? Of course it is!

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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