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HAMBURG, GERMANY — Sources close to Russian President Vladimir Putin say that when he and temporary American President Donald Trump finally met face to face, Putin was rather disappointed by what he saw, literally.
“He looks nothing like his profile pic on FashMatch.com,” Putin was overheard telling his associates after he and Trump met and shook hands, “and that’s just so disappointing. I know my little Donald has a reputation, and that reputation is that he’s a liar, but he truly looks nothing like his profile pic. Sad!”
FashMatch is a website that is built to cater to fascist authoritarians looking to connect with other fascist authoritarians or corrupt, selfish, rich, and likely senile old men who can be easily manipulated into doing the bidding of fascist authoritarians. The site advertises itself as a “dating site for dictators,” though it’s not for a romantic kind of relationship. According to its terms of service, the only thing required for a membership is a loathing of a free press that can criticize you, and a deep abiding love for power, fame, and money. Putin could be heard explaining to his aides that he and Trump “matched almost perfectly” according to the website’s alogrithm.
“It makes sense,” Putin could be heard saying, “because he likes Russian piss whores, and I’m Russian and happen to know a few piss whores. Match made in heaven, really.”
Putin and Trump’s first face to face meeting was the subject of wild buzz and speculation for weeks because seventeen different intelligence agencies have concluded that Russian hackers, under Putin’s orders, hacked American electoral systems and infrastructure. Rumors of connections between the Trump campaign and Russia were already rampant because Paul Manafort, the former manager of Trump’s campaign, had to resign over questions of his connections to Putin and Russia. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who was a campaign surrogate, had to recuse himself from the Russia probe because of problems with his Senate confirmation testimony about contacts he had with Russia.
“I’ve been really nervous and antsy about finally meeting my little orange shit clown,” Putin was heard telling someone, “because after all this anticipation and speculation, it felt like part of a really terrible romantic comedy. But, yeah, when I saw what he looks like in person finally? Yeeeesh.”
Putin told aides that Trump’s profile pic was “obviously from the 80’s” and that it was “kinda sad and pathetic he’s still clinging to when he was remotely relevant” in his profile picture. Putin was hoping Trump would like that man, but instead he saw a “doughy, orange, sweaty, bumbling moron.”
“It’s like he used his headshot from the 80’s,” Putin said, “sad. Pathetic.”
President Trump did not pick up on any disappointment from Putin, however. Asked by the media how he thought his first meeting with the Russian president went, Trump smiled a big smile and told the press he was “very tremendously pleased” with it.
“I’m just glad I got a chance to shake the guy’s hand who helped me win,” Trump said, “not that I had anything to do with it, okay? I didn’t. It’s just many people are saying he wanted me to win, and who can blame him? I mean, me or Crooked Hillary? Of course he picked me. But I shook his hand, slapped him on the back, and I think the meeting went really well, bigly good, if you want me to use proper grammar.”
Mr. Trump is still under criminal investigation for obstruction of justice over the firing of former FBI Director James Comey because of the investigation into former Trump national security adviser General Michael Flynn.
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