This completely made-up and satirical news item was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Trump are indicating at this hour that he is contemplating several next steps in the ongoing saga of the Russian hacking scandal that has consumed his presidency.
This week, a major bombshell report in The New York Times confirmed that last summer, the president’s son, Donald Trump Jr., accepted a meeting with a Russian lawyer connected to Moscow, with the full knowledge beforehand that the information on Hillary Clinton being offered came from the Kremlin’s effort to undermine the election. One of the steps that the president is reportedly considering is disavowing, and perhaps even disowning, his oldest son.
“Reince, Reince goddamnit, Reince,” Trump apparently bellowed from within the Oval Office this morning, “get my best, and by best I mean most Jew-y lawyers on the phone. I need to know something.”
Priebus came in moments later and told Mr. Trump he had the White House counsel on the line for him. Trump nodded. He picked up the phone and started barking at the attorney on the other end.
“Listen to me,” Trump said with anxiety clearly present in his voice, “You gotta tell me. Can I disown Junior?”
The White House counsel said he’d have to go do some research and he’d get back to the president. This made Trump unhappy, but he understood. Sources say he spent the next two hours watching Sean Hannity’s interview with Donald Trump Jr. and shouting about how he “always knew Ivanka was smarter AND sexier.”
At some point, Priebus came back into the Oval Office. He walked briskly over to Trump and whispered in his ear, his twin brain tails slung down around his right shoulder.
“Master,” Priebus said, “White House special counsel is here, on the grounds. I told him I will take you to Trump-a now.”
Priebus led a young man into the room and sat him down in front of President Trump.
“So, tell me, what’s the good news,” Trump began.
The attorney squirmed in his chair. It was obvious to everyone in the room he wasn’t sure how to break bad news to the president. He made an effort, nonetheless, to communicate with Mr. Trump.
“Sir, I’m afraid that while it’s a really brilliant — dare I say even genius — idea,” the lawyer said, “Apparently some stupid libtarded libtards convinced Americans that after the age of eighteen, people are adults and can’t be legally disowned by their parents.”
That’s when sources say Trump threw the biggest tantrum they’ve seen from him to date. Mr. Trump was stomping and stamping around the room. He even threw a framed picture that Steve Bannon gave him on Inauguration Day.
“Damn it,” Trump said, “I’m never going to get to be in the same room with Satan again! This makes me so mad.”
Eventually, aides were able to calm President Trump down with elephant sedatives and old tapes of himself on TV from the 1980’s. When he had settled himself enough, he decided he didn’t want to disown his son after all. He had another plan instead.
“Do you know if we have perfected time travel yet,” Trump asked Priebus, “because I could just go back in time and pull out of a few things and fix this whole mess.”
This story is developing.
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