This clearly marked satire item was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — By all outward appearances, it would seem that President Donald J. Trump will be signing executive orders every day for the foreseeable future. There has yet to be a single day since he was sworn in that Trump didn’t sign some kind of executive order, even though for nearly a decade his Republican Party howled and criticized President Obama for being “lawless” and “imperious” in using executive authority too much. This morning, Trump signed yet another flurry of orders, one of which was related to one of his favorite recreational hobbies — bowling.
“This one is, um,” Trump said, looking at the order as his chief of staff Reince Priebus handed it to him, “oh, right this one. I remember Reince, Steve, and KellyAnne telling me all about this one. Okay, so this one is just basically saying any time I pick up a bowling ball in a game, my score is automatically to be considered the perfect 300. That’s great isn’t it folks?”
Asked by reporters why he felt the need to wield such enormous power in this situation, Trump laughed.
“We all know how important it is to have a perfect leader who can do no wrong,” Trump replied, “and there is no better measure of a man’s perfection, a man’s athleticism, or a man’s totally normal looking and functioning penis, than in a game of bowling.”
As part of the order, companies that manufacture bowling balls are now all required to design and implement a ball called “The Trump Ball.” Though its weight is a normal 14-16 pound weight that adults use, the Trump Ball would be specially drilled for people with smaller than average fingers.
“I’m tried of showing up at bowling alleys and I have to use a little kid’s ball,” Trump said, “I want to have impact behind my rolls. And those tiny little balls just don’t do it. Besides, I don’t need to be reminded of, um, certain things, when I’m bowling. I want regular sized balls somewhere in my life, goddamnit.”
President Trump indicated there would be several more orders like this one to come, and that “the liberal FAKE NEWS press should get to used it.”
“I’m going to have all kinds of fun orders coming up,” Trump said, “like one where I make it so that you have to kiss my ring when I come into a room. Another where instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they have to play ‘Do You Know the Muffin Man.’ Fun stuff. Oh, also more stuff that’s anti-LGBT, anti-black, anti-female, but hey, why worry about those right now. Just enjoy the circus for now.”
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