As we trundle along through the Trump Era, we’re all still getting to know the septuagenarian alleged billionaire and thrice married admitted sexual predator that’s the darling of the Religious Right and so-called conservatives. Who, exactly, is Donald Trump? Well, we thought that you all are probably like us, and would like to get to know our commander-in-chief as much as possible. And since Steve Bannon wouldn’t return our calls, we went with his junior subordinate, Trump.
We sent the White House a series of “get to know you” quizzes culled from Buzzfeed and our own writing staff, and will, over the next several weeks and months, present to you our findings. The quiz was filled out by Trump himself, and we can tell that because it was written in the finest of orange crayon.
Our first look inside the “mind” of Donald Trump will focus on the kinds of adult beverages Trump likes. He might say publicly he doesn’t drink, but looking at his bloated mass, we kinda think that claim, like the one that he doesn’t want to fuck his daughter, is probably false. So here now are Donald Trump’s 6 Favorite Cocktails.
#6. The Screw-Driver
No, that’s not a typo. President Trump’s version of the classic vodka and orange juice cocktail has a couple of key variations. Firstly, it’s only vodka. Russian vodka. The more Russian the better. Secondly, it’s not a “Screwdriver,” it’s a “Screw-Driver,” because Trump stiffs his drivers just like he stiffs everyone else who works for him.
#5. The Negroni
Trump loves this drink. Not because he loves the taste of gin, campari, and red vermouth. Trump loves this drink because he gets to use what he calls “The Soft N-Word” when ordering it. This same reasoning is why his favorite foreign country is Niger and his favorite Disney character is Tigger.
#4. The Antiquated
You’ve heard of the Old Fashioned, right? Well, what do you call something that’s beyond even being old fashioned? You’d call it something like “ancient” or “antiquated.” Like, say, if in 2017 you wanted us to truly believe that tax cuts for the wealthy create jobs down stream, you’d be pushing an antiquated economic model that was pretty much debunked with the help of Ronald Reagan, within his second term, when he had to face facts and raise taxes. So, this drink is much like an Old Fashioned, except you use only Jack Daniel’s whiskey instead of bourbon, because J.D. comes from Lynchberg, Tennessee, and Trump prefers anything with the word “lynch” in it to something without.
#3. Nothing With Tequila In It
Tequila comes from Mexico. Which is weird to Trump, because he’s pretty sure that literally the only things that come from Mexico are rapists, drug dealers, murderers, and very rarely, some good people. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that our co-president just really doesn’t trust anything Mexican, which is why the only Mexican food he eats is Taco Bell, and he never drinks anything from Mexico, ever.
#2. The Fort Sumter
The Civil War was started in earnest when Confederates mounted an attack on union soldiers stationed at Fort Sumter. Trump loves honoring some of the people who helped elect him by ordering this classic cocktail, named for that historic battle. The drink is three parts southern bourbon, one part southern racism. The drink is served up, wrapped in a Confederate flag, and the bartender whistles “Dixie” as he hands it to you.
#1. The Donny Daughter Banger
This one hearkens back of course to the ol’ Harvey Wallbanger, so named because Frangelico bottles are so big that their necks would bang up against bar walls. But the difference is that Trump’s is named for his desire to, you know, bang his daughter. Why be subtle with our jokes about a man who wouldn’t know subtlety if it brushed his daughter aside to put his shriveled dick in its mouth, right?
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.