When faced with the prospect of having to choose between Donald J. Trump or Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) for president, a new poll shows 98% of Americans would choose “constant diarrhea” instead.

Polling company We’ve Got Mad Polls teamed-up with CNN and called a thousand Americans across the fifty states and asked them a series of questions about the current Republican presidential nominees. 57% of those who responded said they “Wouldn’t Trust Republicans to Run a Bake Sale” while 35% who responded said they might let a Republican run a lemonade stand if they “could keep constant tabs on them at all times.”

The most shocking answers came though, when respondents were asked to choose between candidates.

Between Donald Trump or Ted Cruz, who would you vote for in the General Election? Donald Trump – 0% Ted Cruz – 0% Constant Diarrhea – 98%

Margin of Error: 2%


Between Donald Trump or Marco Rubio, who would you vote for in the General Election? Donald Trump – 0% Marco Rubio – 1% Having your genitals punched – 97%

Margin of Error: 2%

Between Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, and Ted Cruz, who would you least like to shit on their face? Can I line them up and do all three at once? – 0% Why can’t it be all three? – 0% Why would I want to make them more electable? – 100%

Margin of Error: 0%

Reached for comment, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus told us that he was “pleased” by the poll results.

“I know, it sounds crazy to you at first that I’d be pleased about so many people choosing Montezuma’s Revenge for themselves over our party’s candidates,” Priebus said, “but that’s because you all don’t know that I’ve been working hard behind the scenes to recruit someone new to run against all the candidates still in the field.” Priebus laughed when we asked if it was Mitt Romney. “More like Shitt Romney,” he said.”

Priebus told us that he was in the middle of convincing “an actual bucket of steaming, putrid diarrhea” to enter the race, and that this poll is the perfect thing he’d need to finally convince the bucket to run.

“Buckety was telling me that he didn’t think anyone would vote for a bucket of liquid shit,” Priebus said, “but clearly these poll results show that if we just put him on stage with Trump, Cruz, or Rubio, everyone will naturally gravitate to the diarrhea on the stage, and the next thing you know, we’ve got our first bit of diarrhea in the Oval Office since Dick Cheney said goodbye to George Dubya the day Obama was sworn-in!”

The bucket of diarrhea could not be reached for comment.


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