Republicans will now spend years and millions finding nothing…again. This time it’s Planned Parenthood in their sights, and despite an utter dearth of evidence against the low-cost healthcare provider — despite investigations run by red state governments that hate them — Congressional Republicans are now set to go full-Benghazi on Planned Parenthood.

The question I have is how much money and time will be wasted.

Somehow, the fact that in Texas — red ass state if ever there was one — just had a grand jury indict the people at the Center for Medical Progress that put together the “sting” videos that got America’s right-wing in a lather and clear Planned Parenthood has completely escaped Paul Ryan and his ilk. Much like Benghazi, the right has a narrative they have bought into and they will not release their death grip on it. The myth of Planned Parenthood the baby butchering profiteers will live on in the same annals of conservative lore as Vince Foster’s murder and Bill Clinton’s secret communism. There is and has been nothing to come to light to suggest this is anything but more Quixotic crusading on the taxpayer’s dime, but much like Fasty & Furious and the so-called IRS targeting scandal, years from now conservatives will be outraged while the rest of us try to remember why it is they’re so angry in the first place.

I’m actually starting to think that the GOP thinks of itself as gumshoes more than legislators. They have spent nearly all of President Barack Obama’s two terms investigating every burp, sneeze, cough or fart from anyone even tangentially related to the White House and haven’t come up with a single impeachable offense. Just Google “Republican scandal investigations under Obama” and you’ll marvel at the list of things that they have deemed worthy of shoveling millions of taxpayer dollars — all while decrying wasteful government spending — onto, in the hopes of finding something, anything, to string Obama up by his ears.

It probably wouldn’t bother me so much if they weren’t the ones arguing for us to dismantle our government because they say it spends too much. Now, granted, the millions of dollars they’ve wasted chasing their Benghazi tails and the millions they’re going to spend chasing fundamentalist anti-abortion nutball tales pales in comparison to the entire federal budget. But aren’t these the same people who decry any government spending as theft? So they’re stealing from us to waste our time on…what, exactly?

Congressional Republicans are gearing up to treat Planned Parenthood like they have every other scandal investigation of the last near-decade — like an utter and complete farce.

We won’t learn a thing. I promise you that. No matter how much they insist there’s more evidence to come, or hard they point to one thing or another, none of it will be what they promised us it was. It’s going to cost us millions of dollars that they say we don’t otherwise have to help the poor or feed the hungry, and it will garner nothing more than campaign contributions from rich assholes who just want to see their favorite puppet sing their favorite song.

And just because I’m feeling extra pissy — don’t think that Republican voters will suddenly tire of voting for people who lie to them about how the government works. Don’t think that they’ll suddenly figure out the hypocrisy of it all. In fact, most of them probably see the hypocrisy and they don’t care. Because as long as it’s a mean ol’ commie socialist Democrat or one of their pet causes in the cross hairs, they’re okay with the biggest, most expensive government possible.

So what does this all mean? I don’t know. I’m a fucking comedian trying to make sense of it all. I’m a comedian who used to be a programmed conservative and is just baffled that it took him so long to see through what has to happen to stay conservative. You have to embrace the idea that everyone else in the world is lying to you, that they are enacting a secret, nefarious agenda to make you addicted to their power.

They live in a world where what we would recognize as satire, they call fact, and as long as I’ve been writing about it, I haven’t figured it out, and I don’t think I will any time soon.



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