Donald Trump is clearly a man who thinks he gets what he wants, whenever he wants. A lifetime of never being held accountable, no matter how self-evident it is that if you hadn’t fallen out of a rich, racist woman’s vagina you’d be just one of millions of other boastful losers without a dime to your name would probably give just about anyone at least a touch of that particular disease.

Of course, there have been much more recent examples of his entitlement complex coming to the fore. Like, for instance, the fact that he thought he could sit Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer down, thump his chest and proclaim himself proud to shut the government down, only to turn around and within 24 hours try to blame the shutdown on Nancy and Chuck. Nothing says “I demand what I want” more than such a blatant 180.

Well, except maybe stamping your feet and demanding that you give to give a speech where you want to, despite not having the legal or Constitutional authority to do so. That, is of course, exactly what Don Trump did. He clearly doesn’t get or respect that whole “coequal branch of government” thing that Congress has over him. He particularly doesn’t get that means he gets no say-so in the House, and that goes triply for when his party doesn’t control it. Elections have consequences, they say, and one of them is that if, as the president, you piss off the Speaker of the House and get into a pissing match with her to boot, she gets to disinvite your tubby ass to her place to give your dumb speech…that you’ll read like semi-literate crack head anyway.

Trump sent the letter below to Pelosi this morning, demanding that she still let him give his speech from the floor of the House. We all know this corrupt piece of shit could fly to any state in the Confederacy he wants, and treat the address like the same reality-TV spectacle his entire first term has ended up being. He could just hold a campaign-style rally and call it his State of the Union, and the truth is it wouldn’t be any difference in subtext or context than what he’d say from the House. He could say the same lies, demagogue and fear monger about brown immigrants in the same exact way, but he wants to feel like the Big Bad President Man, and he knows, deep down, that being forced to hold it another location is a big “Fuck you” to him.

So, he sends Nancy this letter. At least he got it right this time as “Madam” and not “Maddame” like his last letter to her.

I’m sure I’m not the only or first to point this out, but when Trump ends his letter with, “It would be so very sad for our Country if the State of the Union were not delivered on time, on schedule, and very importantly, on location,” he couldn’t possibly be more full of shit.

Given his historically low approval ratings, very few people in the country actually care to hear what he has to say. Seriously, he can barely crack 50% within his own party these days and he and his ilk want us to believe he’s some beloved American patriot? Also, not that he’d know or care because he’s never read it, but the Constitution couldn’t care less where the address is delivered, if at all. In fact, it could be done in a letter.

You have to almost admire the kakistocratic cock face’s arrogance on some level. Everyone learns in fifth grade or earlier that Congress, the Supreme Court, and the Executive all have coequal powers. No one bosses the other two around; quite the opposite. Trump is the first president in a long time to simply disregard that Congress is a coequal player and try to bully them. Not even President Dick Cheney had the balls to try this authoritarian bullshit, and his direct report George W. Bush never tried it either.

Luckily for all of us, Nancy Pelosi lives, breathes, eats, and sleeps to chew Donald Trump a new asshole. Also luckily for us, she wields her sword with surgeon-like precision, but also with delicate, well-written prose. Her response to Trump’s feet stomping was, to put it bluntly, perfect.

Speaker Pelosi’s letter is an exquisite example of how to troll back a troll like Trump. While I would’ve been happy with her just responding to his demand with a simple, “LOL, no. Check your Constitution, puto grande,” I’m also super-duper good with the way she was so clinical in her letter. She laid the facts out again, and then, very extremely politely, told him to go fuck himself.

In case you’re like me, though, and you’re also deeply satisfied with a more caustic, profane takedown of the toddler in chief, here’s my spin on her sign-off.

“I am writing to inform you that the House of Representatives isn’t a Russian whore house. You can’t piss anywhere you’d like, whenever you’d like. Your request can fuck off almost as hard as you can, Tiny Hands. Also, fuck you, for good measure, in case I didn’t make that clear, initially.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.


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