This satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Growing frustration with being unable to guide his party’s efforts to repeal Obamacare into reality, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) has reportedly been telling friends he’s “miserable and depressed,” according to one source close to Mr. Ryan. Earlier this year, Ryan failed to get enough support within his own party to hold a vote on the House Republicans’ replacement for the Affordable Care Act, only to scramble and get a vote passed a week or so later.
Though the celebration on the White House lawn was fun for him, according to close sources, watching his party’s efforts stall in the Senate has left him “fatigued, battle worn, and tremendously depressed.” Aides say that Ryan has become increasingly upset over not getting the chance to repeal Obamacare and take access to health insurance away from an estimated 23 million people, and that he’s taken to some rather desperate measures.
“He was so depressed that he cut his regular 12-hour workouts to just six hours,” one aide told a D.C.-area poetry fanzine.
RELATED: Paul Ryan Celebrates Obamacare Repeal By Ripping Chemotherapy IV Out of Pediatric Cancer Patients’ Arms
Hours ago, Ryan was spotted a health clinic, not far from the congressional building. Witnesses say he ran into each examination room, and that Ryan asked each patient how they intended to pay for the medical treatment they were provided. If the patient indicated they were too poor to pay, Mr. Ryan simply nodded and waited. As soon as the patient with meager economic means put medication into his or her mouth, Ryan yanked his left hand behind his right ear and with a swift, backhanded motion, knocked the pills out of their mouths.
“There,” Ryan would say, “now you might think twice about taking from people without offering anything in return.”
Though several doctors pleaded with Speaker Ryan to stop, citing the Hippocratic Oath and common decency, Ryan smacked on. Down the line of exam rooms he went, like a machine. Mr. Ryan spared no patient, no matter their race, gender, ethnicity, or age. A sixteen year old boy was taking antibiotics for a throat infection when Ryan came upon him. Seeing the teenager was wearing a “Bernie Sanders 2016” tee-shirt, Ryan smacked him as hard as he could.
“Just feel lucky I didn’t toss your ass out of a helicopter, Pinochet style, bitch,” Ryan said.
With every backhanded slap, Ryan’s spirits seemed to improve. When he started he had a frown on his face and Mr. Ryan slowly moped from room to room. But by the sixth or seventh patient had gotten smacked on the mouth, aides say his entire demeanor changed. He started bounding from office to office, and went from a cold and unsure, “Hey, what’s up,” when he entered the room to a loud, boisterous, “What’s up poor-ass mothafuckaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”
RELATED: Paul Ryan Worried Congress Can’t Destroy The Middle Class Fast Enough With All The Trump Distractions
All told, Ryan smacked medication out of twenty-two different poor people’s mouths. Though it’s unclear at this time what effect, if any, his trip to the medical clinic will have on his view of healthcare in America, Ryan told reporters as he left that he’d “hadn’t felt this good” in a long time.
“Not since 2012 when I was Mitt Romney’s veep candidate,” Ryan said, “have I felt so good. Back then, Mitt and I took a bet on whether we could ruin some poor bank executive’s life by having him trade places with a poor African-American conman. Boy did hilarity ensue, I tell you what. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go shred my delts and listen to Nickelback.”
Follow us on Twitter @PolitiGarbage.