The majority white, middle- to upper-class, educated, male Ohio legislature tacked on the strictest abortion law in the nation to a state child abuse reporting law, HB 493. There is a clause that allows Governor John Kasich to veto just this portion of the bill; he has not yet indicated how he will respond. In the past, he has expressed reluctance, because it has been declared unconstitutional in other states.

For this same reason, the state’s largest anti-abortion group, Ohio Right to Life, does not support the bill. Their position is the current Supreme Court would most likely find it unconstitutional, and for that reason, the Senate had in past years decided against voting on it.

However, this year the extremists feel emboldened by the election of Donald Trump and his promises to appoint super-conservative judges to the Court. Obviously this is because Trump is well-known for being a man of his word.

The “heartbeat bill”, as it is known, would make an abortion illegal once a fetal heartbeat is detected, which could be as early as six weeks. As most women (who shockingly are not in the majority in this decision) could tell you, it is very easy and likely to not know you are pregnant until after six or eight weeks. Unless you are actively trying and pissing on a stick the day after Auntie Flo is due, it’s not realistic.

Both North Dakota and Arkansas had similar bills struck down by federal courts, who used Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey to determine any ban on abortion before the fetus is viable outside the womb is unconstitutional. The Supreme Court declined to hear the appeals.

The heartbeat bill, which many speculate was named such as an attempt to appeal to emotion rather than science or logic, fails miserably at the latter.

  • There is no exception for rape or incest.
  • Physicians who perform abortions past the date would be guilty of a fifth degree felony.
  • Abortions are only allowed if “substantial and irreversible impairment of a major bodily function” is a risk to the woman.
  • A fetus is “the human offspring developing during pregnancy from the moment of conception and includes the embryonic stage of development.”
  • “The age of an unborn human individual as calculated from the first day of the last menstrual period of a pregnant woman.”

Other ridiculous statistics are cited, but I’m stuck on the fact that an unborn human can be negative two weeks old. Even if you argue that life begins at the exact moment of conception, you do not get to legally state that life exists while I’m on the rag and before I’ve even banged my baby daddy.

Again…we have a bunch of old white dudes making shit up and putting it into law, and they have no freaking clue what they are doing!

Suggestion: we get them all subscriptions to Cosmopolitan for Christmas!

I’ve read several articles that speculate whether this law will result in required transvaginal ultrasounds. That is generally the way to detect a heartbeat early in a pregnancy, if the doctor suspects an issue or multiples, or perhaps wants to seek some revenge on you for some misdeed your momma told him about from your teen years. If this is the case, fuck that. The wand of Satan is the worst thing ever, and no amount of lube or super ginormous medical grade condom will help that. In fact, that should be specifically excluded as a requirement.

This whole bill is bullshit, and we all know it. I’ve always felt if anti-abortion advocates wanted to see the numbers decrease, they would support sex education, birth control access, and already living and breathing children.

Hey Ohio…that’s something productive you could do with all the money you’re about to waste on lawsuits!


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