Dear President-Elect Fuckwit,

I am ready, sir. I am ready and willing to serve in your cabinet, and help Make America Great Again, whatever that means, or whatever you decide that means on a day to day basis to justify using such an empty platitude. Anyway, I am ready and willing, Mr. T, to work in your administration. Mind you, I’m not qualified for any cabinet position — unless you plan to create a Secretary of Smart Assery and Clowning, but I get the feeling that doesn’t really matter to you at all, and I just have to tell you how refreshing it is that you clearly don’t care if someone has any experience doing a job, as long as they were loyal to you.

Why, I bet when you have a tooth ache you don’t go to a dentist, no! That’s too obvious. Winners, real, true-ass winners like you and me know that you don’t have to have credentials to do a job right, just chutzpah and a boat load of hubris. I bet when you go in for your yearly prostate exam, you have it done by the good folks who work at your local McDonald’s, and not a urologist. Again, that’s just too easy, too convenient, too obvious for guys like you and me.

I want to serve on your team, President-Elect Loose Meat Sandwich Face, and I’m really not worried about that whole “lack of experience or qualifications” thing. Not after you made some Christian Dominionist woman who’s never worked in the public school system and is actually a proponent of gutting it your education secretary. Not after you made Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, and not even Health and Human Services. I know that even though I have no idea how to do any of the jobs available in your cabinet, that you could pick me to do any of them, and I’d be just as qualified and likely successful as Carson would be.

I just love that you have such a “Devil May Care” attitude about experience. I mean, who knows, maybe Ben Carson will have to perform brain surgery on an apartment building in the projects sometime, eh? So with that in mind, I’d like to just give a you quick rundown of the cabinet positions I want, in no particular order. Remember, President-Elect Minuscule Digits, I have absolutely no qualifications for these jobs, so just remember that as you pass up tons of people who are more highly-trained, certified, and competent for me, the guy who doesn’t know shit about shit but is willing to hold his nose and work with you.

  • Secretary of State — You’re literally interviewing everyone else and their mother for this job, so I figured I’d throw my hat in the ring too.
  • Secretary of Commerce — I don’t have a degree in economics, and I’ve never run a small business. But I’ve been into small businesses before and I’ve bought stuff. Same thing. Give me the job, thanks.
  • Secretary of Energy — I got D’s in most of High School science classes because I didn’t want to do the homework. But I did okay in all the labs. And you know, many people are saying I’m “high energy,” which has the word “energy” in it. I’ll take this job now, mkthx.
  • Secertary of the Interior — I’ve never run a park, but I used to play Little League Baseball at one, and I love visiting national parks on road trips. My biggest “qualification” for this job would be that as an avid nerd and writer, I spend a lot of time inside, and therefore see the interior of my office quite a bit.
  • Secretary of Agriculture — Umm…I like vegetables and fruits. Is that good enough? I’ve never worked on a farm, but I did get to visit one my uncle’s family grew up on back when I was like three or four, so that gives me as much experience to do this job as Carson as to be HUD secretary, right? Right?

Okay President-Elect Butthole Mouth, I’m ready whenever you are. You know where to find me. I’ll be the best Secretary of Whatever you could hope for. I have no experience, and up until you were elected I’d have had no shot at getting into the higher levels of government.

You know, like Sarah Palin.

Hail to The Thief,


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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