SPRINGFIELD, MARYLAND — A scientific study conducted by Maryland State University has revealed that 92% of those who will vote for Donald J. Trump in the upcoming presidential election have shoe sizes that are larger than their IQ.
The study was conducted over the time period between when Trump announced his presidency and when Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) dropped out of the Republican Primary. According to Dr. Herschel Abrams, who led the study, results like these have never been so conclusive. Dr. Abrams says he and his fellow biology professors at MSU had always heard from either side of the political divide in this country that there was a correlation between party affiliation and IQ, but this study proves more conclusively than ever that no matter which party one belongs to, voting for Trump is near sure-fire sign of an IQ lower than one’s shoe size.
“No matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, state of residence, or any other external factor we controlled for,” Dr. Abrams told reporters at the press conference announcing the study results, “if they said they were voting for Trump and we measured their shoe size, it always came back higher than their IQ test score did.”
In one instance, Dr. Abrams said a voter said they were going to vote for Trump, their shoe size was confirmed as being higher than their IQ. Two weeks later, the same voter said they’d change their mind and decided they’d vote for a literal bag of sharts instead, and when their IQ test was re-administered it had gone up by more than 75 points. Abrams said he has no scientific explanation for why their IQ went up, just that comparing it before and after they declared themselves Trump supporters showed a “marked difference.”

Dr. Abrams was asked to address the 8% of Trump supporters whose shoe size did not dwarf their IQ level.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Abrams said, “those people literally had no feet. So even if their IQ was 25 — and we had sixteen Trump fans whose IQ was at or below that level — it would be higher than their shoe size, which is of course zero. The correlation between footless people and Trump fans can be pretty easily seen when you control for diabetes, or diabeetus if you’re speaking Red Statian.”
Reached for comment, Mr. Trump said he’s “so fuckin’ hugely proud of all” his supporters, “even the tremendously uneducated and just plain stupid ones.”

More fake news daily at The Political Garbage Chute.


  1. Disparaging Trump supporters as cretins seems to be the biggest blood sport amongst pundits nowadays. The day after Brexit, check out Van JOnes rant 8 mins on how stupid these people were and then curiously, 2 minutes on how these people had good grounds to stnd on as they have been thrown under the bus by globalization .
    So the facts are that these people are angry for a reason, and the reason is primarily globalization or a lack of protectionism. Protectionism is considered one of the verboten four letter words like TAX from the neo liberal supply side approach of Reagan-Bush-Clintons-Obama. But if one thinks about it, protectionism should be considered a first principle for a nation, applying probably the most important and basic of all forces of nature — SELF PRESERVATION.
    It is actually the height of stupidity for a nation to NOT put protectionism first and foremost. It is like saying, our nation, our self, doesnt matter.
    But tho contrary to the principle of self preservation, it is consistent to the Adam Smith adage (the vile maxim as Noam Chonmsky called it) that all that matters is me, not the nation. This is like the Thatcher stmt that all that exists are individuals ; society does not exist.


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