Yesterday, I watched a lot of the 2016 Republican National Convention’s first day. I wasn’t planning to, but when I heard early in the morning that the #NeverTrump crowd was legitimately trying to force rule changes that would dislodge Donald Trump from his perch atop the dung heap no one wants to be king of, I couldn’t resist. I just left my C-SPAN browser opened and would check back in when I heard something particularly nutty.
I saw and heard a so-called Christian pastor calling people who don’t agree with him politically his “enemy,” despite the fact that the dude who started his religion told him to love everyone, especially his enemies. I heard American citizens chanting for the presumptive nominee of the opposing political party to be put behind bars for breaking a law none of them could tell you specifically what it was if you pressed them on it. I heard Hillary Clinton be accused dozens of times of doing something nefarious regarding Benghazi, but it was never made very clear what she did that was so terrible…maybe because four years and millions of dollars’ worth of congressional investigations haven’t turned up shit either.
Then I got treated to motherfucking Chachi telling me what America is and who real Americans are. Oh, there was also Capt. 9/11’s stirring speech aimed at — I don’t know, terrorists and people who hate America or something — and it ended with him breathlessly threatening some nondescript, vaguely Muslim terrorist he’s obviously created in his mind. There were members of Seal Team Six telling us how terrible liberals are for America (despite the fact that one alleged liberal president managed to find the balls to order a raid he knew would likely end up killing our number one fugitive terrorist — and did). I was bombarded with people telling me we had to take back our country…from people like me who are tired of the government caring more about who we fuck and where we shit than if our kids will have a planet to live on when their selfish asshole grandparents are done fighting over whether we should lift a finger about any of it.
Oh, and then Trump’s wife literally stole big parts of her speech from MICHELE “BLACK DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE” OBAMA, just to put a cap on the whole shit show’s first night.
So, my question is this: How much pot will I have to smoke to get through night two?

Would it take a couple grams? An eighth? Quarter? A full ounce? A goddmaned pound? Just how much THC would it take to be flowing through my bloodstream before I could get through another cavalcade of nationalistic fever dream talking points and conspiracy theories? How much weed would I have to ingest for me to not die inside every time I hear some allegedly adult human tell me that Donald J. Trump not only should be president, but that we’d all be better off after he’s gotten the job?
It seems to me I’d need more than just weed, really. I guess if you’re white, Christian and conservative Trump might not be so bad for you. And I guess if you’ve recently been hit over the head with something heavy, he might seem like a good guy. Hell, I bet if you’ve recently woken up from a coma or had any portion of your brain removed surgically, you might think he could do the job well. But it would take more chemical reworking of anyone’s gray matter than is humanly possible to arrive at the conclusion that Republicans should be running the country and Trump should be leading them leading us.
Some might say if I take drugs before watching the festivities I might not be able to tell the difference between reality and the drug state. But I have to say that when you come face to face with Scott Goddamned Baio at a historical political event and he’s being treated by one of the two major parties as some kind of scholarly fellow…I don’t know that we’re not all already on some serious psychotropics. When the highlight of the Republican National Convention — a stage that has given rise to people like Dwight Eisenhower’s political aspirations — is a plagiarized speech that the speechwriter was too lazy to reach back even a full decade to steal from, does it really matter what drugs I may or may not be on?
You know, it’s funny, I’ve written for about five or six years now about politics. And I’ve been saying the whole time that the Tea Party would eventually cost the GOP dearly and force them into a true existential crisis. But I never in my wildest dreams thought that one of the Schmuck Dynasty guys would be leading the derpy charge, and I had no clue that Fonzi’s little nephew would be given such a place of honor. The lunacy that is the Republican Party has somehow gotten even whackier in the four years since Clint Eastwood “hilariously” talked to an empty chair on national TV. Remember when THAT was the dumbest thing you’d seen at a Republican convention in your lifetime?
So you know what? I have no idea how much weed it would take me to get through night two of the RNC. I’ll let you know what my “research” confirms.


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