Last night, I got a little mad on Twitter. I had just watched Senate Majority Leader Mitch “Turtle Fuck” McConnell (R-Dumbshit Land) censure Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) for impugning the character of Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Racist FuckFace Town), who is Donald Trump’s nominee for Attorney General. Except, it wasn’t really Liz Warren criticizing Jeff Sessions. It was Coretta Scott King, the late wife of Martin Luther King. Warren was reading a letter Mrs. King wrote in 1986 imploring congress not to confirm Sessions as a federal judge because of what she observed as Sessions’ racial biases.
Well, Turtle Fuck decided that reading a civil rights icon’s speech constituted a violation of Rule 9 of the Senate, and proceeded to cut Warren off and force her to have a seat. While the saggy-faced fascist authoritarian has gotten beaten up on pretty well by all sides of the aisle, I didn’t think he was getting enough heat. Clearly, McConnell has at least a teaspoon or two of good ol’ boy in him. Oh wait, sorry, I meant “good ol’ fashioned coal country racism.”
So, I started using the #FuckMitch hashtag while bashing him incessantly. Here’s an example of one of tweets:
I had so much damn fun last night, that I decided to continue that fun into today, and I’ve come up with a few more examples of Mitch McConnell’s racism. You have any of your own? Leave them in the comments, and I’ll tweet the best ones to Mitch personally.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist when he buys Aunt Jemimah he puts the bottle in the back of the shopping cart.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he watches “Inglorious Basterds” in reverse so he gets a happy ending.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he only likes Pat Boone’s versions of songs.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he tried to have a law passed stripping the black off coal.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he laughs at all the uses of the “N” word in “Blazing Saddles” for all the WRONG reasons.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he closed his eBay account when they told him he couldn’t run THOSE kinds of auctions.
- Mitch McConnell is so old and so racist he has confederate flag design Depends.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist Strom Thurmond’s ghost gets a hard-on every time Mitch walks up to the podium to speak.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he tried to turn the riot hoses on Ben Carson and Steve Harvey.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist his calendar is only 11 months long.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he never stopped using the N-Word in church.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he still thinks Al Campanis was right.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he made Tim Scott go pick his cotton balls up from the drug store for him.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist his favorite character in “Huckleberry Finn” isn’t Huck.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he thought Ben Carson was the Uncle Ben’s rice guy.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he thinks Steve Bannon isn’t racist.
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he only knows LeVar Burton as “that sweet colored boy who reads rainbows.”
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he won’t eat at Taco Bell because he’s afraid it sends the wrong message about “illegal immigration.”
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he didn’t understand why everyone was “so mad at that Jim Crow fella.”
- Mitch McConnell is so racist he’s supported the War on Drugs for 30 years.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.