JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI — Gov. Phil Bryant (R) sent a formal letter to England’s parliament and Queen offering to annex Great Britain as part of an expansion of the State of Mississippi’s borders this week, following the tumult caused by the “Brexit” vote.
Dear Queen and Her Parliament,
Hello. My name is Governor Phil Bryant, and I am the governor of the richest state in the United States of America, Mississippi. Well, we’re not rich in terms of our economy or culture, but we do have a butt-load of “S” letters, “I” letters, and “P” letters in our name. So we’re rich in consonants! Anyway, I’m writing to offer you all a chance of a life time. How would you like to be annexed by my state? We want to help all racist Britons feel right at home!
In Bryant’s letter, the governor states that he and many other conservative Americans had always “assumed that [the colonists] ditched” Great Britain because, “you all were libtards because of all the taxation you were hitting us with.” But, he said, since seeing news reports of the fascistic, anti-immigrant, white supremacy-tinged behavior of several English citizens, he realized he “has a lot more in common with you Limeys” than he had originally thought.
Growing up in this great, perfect country of ours, we are educated in the belief that all are created equal, but America is just a little more equaler. Honestly, before he so-called Brexit vote, I’d have never offered to break bread with you, much less annex you. I just assumed you all were such nose-in-the-air snobs you’d never see the true philosophical genius of wanting to have a completely homogeneous country of purely white, Christian people, while professing to not be in the least bit racist. We never really got to see your racist countrymen on TV before this whole Brexit thing, and we’ve really loved what we seen so far, I tell you what.
Governor Bryant did lay out some conditions that Queen Elizabeth and parliament would both have to abide by in order to be accepted as part of Mississippi’s boundaries and economy.
If’n you find yourself hankerin’ to try this new arrangement I am proposiating, you will need to adhere to the following standards of Mississippian behavior:
- Be paranoid about any change whatsoever. Change may be an inevitable part of life, but that doesn’t mean we have to like or even accept it.
- Update your vernacular to append the word “uppity” to any generalized label you assign a group (e.g. “those uppity blacks” or “the uppity gays”)
- Fuck one or both of your sister and/or cousin (OPPOSITE SEX ONLY!) on a fairly regular basis.
- Assume every Mexican and/or immigrant you see is after your job, even though you don’t even have a job because your job was offshored by some faceless corporation years ago, and you’ve been convinced it’s people’s faults who you’ve never met, and not that asshole, faceless corporation’s fault.
- Have a few of your teeth loosened and/or removed. Being British, this should be the least painful request we’ve made of you (Badum-Tiss!)
The monarchy nor parliament could be reached for comment.