Aww. Everyone, quick, go grab your tiniest, shrillest violins. Let’s play a sad tune for alt-right icon Milo Yianananlanaboobobee’s career, which hopefully just suffered a fatal blow. As it turns out, conservatives still shrink in horror when they find out you condone sexual and romantic relationships between minors and adults. WHOOPSIE! So, CPAC dropped them from their lineup, which isn’t really all that shocking because as they are pretty much the largest group of Religious Right voters out there, and inviting someone like Milo was pretty much only done to put a thumb in liberals’ eyes.
The sweetest part of the backlash against Milo though has to be that his publisher, Simon & Schuster, told him to take his book and shove it. I can only hope the hypocritical asshole is still on the hook for whatever advance he got from them. Mind, I’m a huge supporter of the First Amendment, and I’m not here to tell you Milo belongs behind bars, or should be kept from speaking publicly; I’m just wallowing in his downfall right now because that’s what you do to pious bastards who make a career for themselves vilifying a class of people as sexual predators only to be revealed as a sexual predator apologist, as long as it’s an older gay dude preying on a young person.
Memo to Milo: There is no such thing as consent between adults and minors. Maybe one out of every few million 13 year olds can handle that kind of shit, but most can’t. You’re defending your own abuse and it just makes you sad. The saddest part is that we liberals, the people who call stupid and immoral? We’d be the ones trying to find you good psychiatric help so you’ll stop projecting your misplaced self-loathing on everyone.
But, also another note to Milo: I made you a list of book titles you can use for your next one. I’m sure there’s an alt-right press out there willing to publish your bullshit still.
#5. My Struggle…To Not Be A Hypocritical Douchebag
This could be a great title for Milo’s autobiography. And you know the Breitbarbarians would snap up the book because of the title alone. Of course, he might have to print a version in German to really capitalize on their love for him, but that seems like it can be arranged. In his boo,k, Milo can explain all the best ways to paint transgender people as sexual predators, all while believing that sexually preying on adolescent boys is totes acceptable.
#4. Man-Boy Love In The Time Of Breitbart
This one has a nice ring to it. And I mean, if Milo’s going to play the part, he should just embrace it, right? Part of me thinks this is all a way for him to help the alt-Reich reaffirm old, busted stereotypes about gay men loving the young flesh. But hey, no matter what, he could use this title and reference a true literary classic. Though that would certainly lose him millions of right-wing fans who think reading anything other than the Bible or Breitbart is tantamount to killing puppies.
#3. Chicken Soup For The Conflicted Soul
The Milo Pedo Incident will forever mean to me that I got a glimpse into what a sad, sad man Milo really is. The real subtext of all his hate is simple: Self-loathing and deflecting away blame for his sexual abuse. The poor bastard might actually believe he’s only gay — something he has lamented many times — because he was molested, not realizing that again is old, busted bullshit pop psychology. He’s conflicted AF, and if he’d just embrace who he truly is, he might not be such an insufferable, hate-spewing shit goblin.
#2. The Art Of The Lost Deal
He can pay tribute to his icon Donald Trump with this title. And like Donald Trump, he can be an ironic symbol of failure. Milo probably lost millions on his book deal, and it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving asshole who spews more intellectual garbage. Maybe he can write a how-to book on losing lucrative book deals.
#1. The Internet For Dummies
How the fuck are you a millennial and not understand a really, really simple concept — The Internet Is Forever. At the very least, Milo knew he had these conversations when he accepted the invite to speak at CPAC. Losing his book deal is something he should have thought was possible when discussing a subject like whether 13-year-old boys can consent to sexual relationships, at least when he’s out there making the case that there are any positives to be gained from it. Clearly Milo needs a refresher course in how the Internet works, and maybe writing it will help drill it into his head.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.