I’ve completely lost count of all the people I’ve heard claim that God told them to run for president, just in the two presidential elections I’ve been actively writing about politics. From my memory, I count Rick Perry, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, Ted Cruz through his wife Heidi, and even Ben Carson have all been either lied to or pranked by the almighty into thinking it was in Her plan for those dipshits to be the leader of the free world. Cruz is of course the latest divinely inspired politician to waste his creator’s beseeching on a failed presidential campaign, but he most certainly won’t be the last. But we should probably add “Stop talking to God about running for president” to the litany of items Republicans must address if they’re going to be viable again.
Mitt Romney was Captain Mormon and even his devout faith in his God wasn’t enough to carry him to victory. Trump claims to be Christian, but I’m pretty sure in his mind Jesus is just his great-great-great grandfather or some shit, and therefore it’s really all about him anyway. And his thrice-married ass just bum rushed Cruz out of the race, and Kasich wasn’t far behind him. Oh, Kasich, by the way, also had said that God wanted him to run as well.
Maybe the problem is that God is kind of an endorsement slut. I mean, there’s allegedly only one true God, and yet he or she keeps telling every Tom, Dick, or Harry McRepublicanface to run for president. He’s giving all kinds of people mixed signals, and leading them on. Maybe if God would just pick one socially backwards miscreant instead of inspiring them all to run, it wouldn’t be quite so embarrassing for them. As much as I’m not a huge fan of the Democratic Party machinery, at least their candidates only have to passingly refer to their faith; they don’t have to wallow in it to get their party’s nomination.
Then again, maybe God just has a crazy good sense of humor. Maybe God’s just sitting up there in heaven going, “How can I entertain the sane and rational humans down there,” and God decides that fucking with Republicans and crank calling them all to urge them to run for president would provide months of entertainment for the people of Earth. God’s right. I’ve been getting ample material in spades. When you have religious nuts who don’t even believe in their basic religious principles of caring for the lowest among us, you are all but guaranteed a hearty guffaw or two a day at their utterly self-unaware hypocrisy.

Small government conservatives that want to tell gay people they can’t get married and transgender people they have to hold it in public forever and ever. You can’t make this shit up.
I have an idea for Republican presidential hopefuls in 2020 and beyond — stop talking to God and start talking to Americans. You can start with Fox News Americans, but you’d really be doing yourself a huge favor by talking to people completely outside your box. You might see that while 70% or more of Americans identify as Christian, that doesn’t mean they identify as bigots who want to force LGBT+ people into a life of second class citizenship. You might see that while many of us want to keep the government out of our lives as much as possible, that doesn’t mean dismantling all the good things it does to get there.
If Republicans talked to Americans as much as they talk to God, they might actually learn what it is average Americans want from their government. Then again, if they did that, they might learn that most Americans aren’t going to go along with their ideological crusade against LGBT people, because most Americans are just too busy working their two jobs two support themselves. So, it’s probably not something to hold our breaths over.
Truly though, what boggles me, and will continue to boggle me, is how so many right-wingers truly ignore what the First Amendment’s promise of freedom of religion really means. It’s not only protection against their persecution for being religious, it’s protection against people having religion foisted on them by the government. It’s a two-way street that so many of them just casually ignore, for whatever reason.
All I know is that God either has a tremendously awesome sense of humor and loves to watch a bunch of idiots claim to be divinely commanded and then fall on their faces, or you know, God doesn’t exist and claiming he/she/it told you to run is just another cynical grab for votes. Hmm. Which do you think is more likely the case? Because if neither of those are true, then it means God is kind of a dumbass and can’t remember who it is he told to be president, and I am sure they don’t want us thinking that is the case.


  1. They should be thinking that maybe God doesn’t like Republicans that much…
    I don’t mind them thinking this or their voters.


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