Stocks moved significantly higher over the last five trading days, marking the third straight week of gains for major indexes. The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJINDICES:^DJI)and S&P 500 (SNPINDEX:^GSPC) each rose over 1% last week, almost breaking into positive territory for the first time in 2016.
Say No to Trump
Among those making news this week Pfister Pharma (NYSE:PFIPAR) reported a projected 27% net profit for Q1 due to a surge in Baby Zoloft sales. The report went on to say that uptick in Baby Zoloft prescriptions is directly correlated with the ongoing presidential election. CEO Zack Mulfin stated “The possibility of a Trump victory is such a dire thought that it is depressing babies. All the babies.” No sales figures have been released regarding Pfister’s Baby Xanax product. Those figures are expected early April.
The Cheapening of Oil
The price of oil took another dip this week finishing just below $37 a barrel on Friday. According to a press release from Shelvron Oil Co. (NYSE: SHX) the low cost of gas is having a terrible effect on the economy. A recent study conducted by the University of Michigan showed oil is more expensive when it costs more and this more expensive oil is very important when it comes to the wealth of rich people. The study concluded that if we do not get the cost of a barrel of oil back north of $100 there is a slight possibility that a portion of the one-percenters may be downgraded and absorbed into the top 3% of the remaining 99%. Terrible news because as we all know if the rich people are not allowed to get richer there is very little hope for the poor. The Middle Class, however, will continue to be moderately uncomfortable regardless.
In an attempt to continue the stabilization of the residential housing market AIG (NYSE: AIG) has announced that they will begin to provide mortgage loans based on what the borrower believes they should be making. Not to be misconstrued with stated income loans these Make-A-Wish loans are funded solely based on what the borrower knows they are worth and will allow entitled Americans to purchase the homes they deserved regardless if they can afford it presently. The interest rates on these loans will be a negative percentage calculated by the Fed using a randomizing algorithm that was originally created to identify your Star Wars name on Facebook.
Fast Food News
February marked the 23rd consecutive month that McDonald’s Corporation (NYSE:MCD) has reported a decreasing market share. In an attempt to regain monies the Fast Food giant is supporting a current bill drafted Troutman Sanders LLP. The bill is looking to mandate Embucquage throughout all 50 states. Embucquage is an eating practice where a smooth tube called an “embuc” is adapted to the user’s specific anatomy regarding the diameter and length of their esophagus. A slurry is placed in this tube for a brief 10 second “feeding”. McDonald’s is sponsoring the bill with the hopes of becoming the state supported slurry provider. McSlurry will come in many flavors including chicken, beefy and bacon. This mandated Embucquage legislation is expected to not only jumpstart the dying Fast Food industry but is also a way to control the fattening phase of our daily lives. The Embucquage technique has already proven successful in the foie gras industry and is believed to be the best fattening method available.