DES MOINES, IOWA — Speaking to reporters after last night’s Republican primary debate in Iowa, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) admitted that the rumors floating around before the debate were true; he had requested a much larger podium than everyone else had. Rubio spent much of the debate drilling home talking points about global terrorism and the need for America to take a strong offensive posture to combat it.
“Look, I knew I was going to talk a lot about war,” Rubio told reporters, “I was going to talk about bombing ISIS, and killing terrorists, and when I start to talk about war like that, I get a massive erection.” Rubio said that “war boner” as he and his fellow Republicans like to call it, “was the whole, turgid reason” he needed a larger podium.
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told the media when asked about Rubio’s erection that he “completely sympathizes with Marco on that front.” While Cruz said he’s taken a more libertarian stance lately to “try and siphon off” voters from Rand Paul supporters who “may finally be realizing their candidate may be running but no one is paying attention,” he still gets a massive erection when discussing war because “Republicans love war since it’s the only way to make peace.”
“Every time I mention carpet bombing,” Cruz said, “I start to feel my crotch rifle grow! By the way, Carpet Bombing was the name of one of the teen tit movies I wanted to star in when I was a kid, just FYI.”
Donald J. Trump, who skipped the debate altogether, said that he too gets “yooge bone-dogs” when he talks about “bombing little brown terrorists.” Trump has recently said that he would have no problem bombing the families of suspected terrorists intentionally. “Marco may be the only one who asked for a bigger podium to hide his dinkus,” Trump told reporters outside a bowling alley in nearby Gladwell, Iowa, “but we all know what it’s like to be up on that stage and talking about war, and all of a sudden you feel a yooge surge in your pants zone.”
“Even though most of us have never seen combat and would gladly use our power and connections to make sure our children never saw combat either,” Rubio told reporters after the debate, “that doesn’t stop us from encouraging Americans to do the right thing — die in our places. Answer the call, and be our bullet sponge so that the military industrial complex can keep on humming, and this great socialist experiment known as the United States Armed Forces can continue to rain down democracy and freedom in the form of drone-fired missiles forever, and ever, Amen. Praise God, the Republican Party, America, and me!”
Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Donald Trump have never served any time in any branch of the armed forces.
This story was cross-posted from The Political Garbage Chute.