WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though he officially declared himself as out of the presidential race last year, word in Washington from several of Vice-President Joe Biden’s staffers are leaking word that watching the inner-turmoil in the Democratic Party between supporters of Hillary Rodham Clinton and Senator Bernie Sanders has given Biden an idea for what he “viable alternative” to a Clinton or Sanders nomination and presidency. In a memo provided from a source close to Biden, in the coming days he will request a sit-down meeting with the candidates and offer his solution.
“Vice President Biden will offer to just move his office chair from down the hall into the Oval Office, skipping the messy process of the rest of the primary season altogether,” the memo says, “but only if all parties agree to this solution.”
The memo goes on to say that if the Democratic candidates go for it, Biden will then approach the Republican National Committee with the same offer. “It’s becoming more and more apparent that for the Republicans, 2016 will be even more of an embarrassing cataclysm of racist, homophobic, xenophobic, Crazy Town talk. If they let Trump go on unfettered, they know this could spell certain doom for the entire party’s hopes of ever winning the White House again. They might just take this deal.”
Under the terms of the deal that Biden is proposing, the election would only be skipped for one presidential term, and as a capitulation to both the Republicans and their rabid, frightened base, Biden would select a Republican as his own VP, but according to the memo, “it would have to be one of the least crazy ones, that can go more than a week without talking about rape or gay sex.”
“The Vice President understands that what he’s proposing here doesn’t really sound a lot like what the American people are used to, and he definitely would prefer to hold an actual election,” one Biden staffer told us, “but he also wants to try to help the country avoid embarrassing itself again.” The same staffer said that Biden is “absolutely also okay with just going to the Catskills and opening up Hoofin’ It Hardcore, the dance studio he has dreamed of opening since he strapped his first pair of Capezios and counted 5, 6, 7, 8.”
“Most people just assumed he wasn’t interested in the job, even though he’s just gotten eight fresh years of O-T-J. He knows that even though he mopped the floor with that piss-ant Paul Ryan in the debates last time that many in the media and his own party somehow don’t think he’s intellectually astute enough for the job,” another Biden aide told us.
“He just wants to let everyone out there know that he can put off opening the dance studio another four or even eight years if no one is quite feeling up to it,” the staffer said, “he’ll just be kinda milling about in the hallway, so someone can just let him know at some point before November if it’s a go or not.”
This story was updated and republished from The Political Garbage Chute.